At My Worst (Eng - ATEEZ FANFIC)

19 - WOOYOUNG POV

3 months after the accident...

I'm packing again, I hate the idea of being far from her now. She fell asleep on the couch. Yesterday, late at night, I heard her knocking on my door. She wasn't drunk, she wasn't damped by the rain, she seemed fine. She walked in and went straight to the couch, without saying a word. It takes about 20 minutes by foot to get here, she didn't take a cab, she didn't have any money on her. I'm going back to Jongho's house, it's closer to her. Whether she misses me or him, I don't care, as long as I'm still here, I won't leave her alone. Then, I bump into it. The first ever sincere gift she gave me, exactly 1 year ago...

-Hey, why not give our band one last chance?- I grabbed the mic-
-You're singing Wooyoung?- Jongho asked, slightly amused. This would be the first time I take the lead in a song, something I was afraid to do before, but I thought it was time to try it, I could never know how good or bad it would be if I never got to do it.

-Gotta give it a try before I move out. Everyone to your instruments- I pointed to the guitars and drums behind me. With smiles on their faces they all walked towards their band positions. - Hit it Yeosang!

Nerves. It had just come out but he learned it from all the times I played it. Maybe I shouldn't have sung it, maybe it was too personal, but if I didn't do it, then when?

She wasn't there, anyways.

"Hey girl, I heard you're leaving town

Hey girl, it might not matter now

Hey girl, maybe it worked somehow

That's what I tell myself

When you lie down tonight

So many times I could've held on

I still can't believe I left you alone

It tore me down to pieces, she'll never know

How much I wished, I never let you go

.....
I will sing this song to you
To tell you I really cared
And I'm sorry
When I left you all alone, girl, I know that wasn't fair
'Cause I loved you
He loved you, loved you"

I'm not moving out just because I want to feel like a real adult, although that is what I have been telling everyone, because the real reason makes me feel ashamed and like a coward.

I love Saya, much more than I thought. But I also love Seonghwa, he has become a very special friend for me, a true brother, and I feel terrible because, when I see them together, I can't help but to think it should be me.  I loved her first. But I don't want to do that to him, I couldn't, he doesn't deserve it, all he has ever done is care for us.

This doesn't make me a bad person, right?

I just think is for the best if I'm far from what reminds me of her, of her with him. I truly wish them for the best but, I can't stand to be around anymore, it's suffocating, and I hate myself for feeling that way.

-Are you ok?- Mingi noticed. I may or may have not teared up a little.
-I'm fine- I sniffed and wiped my face with my forearm.
-What? I missed the last performance?- She came- You sang? While I was gone?- Coming to me, jokingly outraged. She came alone
- You wouldn't stop criticizing me, I took my chance- I leaned my hands and chin on the mic, then I smiled.
-Was he awful?- She asked Hongjoong
-I can't hear you, he ruptured my eardrums!- He said loudly and with hand gestures faking deafness, jerk. But that was funny.
-Hey!- I responded to his mockery- I thought you weren't coming- I returned to her.
-It's the day you're finally flying off of my life, I can't miss my freedom- I purposely put on a straight face- You know I love you- She said with a smile, and it went down deep to a scar in my heart.

-Where's Seonghwa?- San broke the fraction of silence caused by my lack of expression.
-He had errands to do with his mom, but told me to bring this. - She turned to me- For you- A white gift bag- And this one is from me- A small black box. I grabbed both.

-Goodbye gifts or go away gifts?- I said sarcastically while sitting down on the garage couch, it was already pretty old and worn out, I could've ended up on the ground instead.
-Come on, you know me better- She sat next to me and stroked me with her elbow- Just open it.

I opened hers first, the black box. It had a golden ribbon tied around it, no note, just glitter.

It was a watch, an elegant, silver, shiny, expensive wrist watch. I remained speechless, why would she give that to me?

Carefully, I took it out of the box and held it at the level of my eyes.

-You didn't have to, S.-

-I remembered you told me that the one thing that would make you feel like an actual grown up, would be to have one of these fancy, shiny, extravagant watches. Thought it would be the perfect gift now that you're moving out.
-You remembered... - Still amazed by the accessory, I looked back at her and found that her eyes shone as much as the silvery gadget I held in my hands. If only that brightness were still in her- Thank you...

-Woah! Let me see! - San took it from me, saving me from getting hypnotized.
-Be careful!- I tried to reach but he stepped away. Drawn by its brightness, San, Mingi and Yeosang gathered around to observe the watch until its glow disappeared.

***

-You still have it- She scared me
-I thought you were sleeping
-Why are you packing? I told you I would be fine.- She slowly enters into my room.
-I'm doing it for me- I add a few more shirts into the bag. She sits on my bed and plays with the watch I left by my side.
-What did Seong give you that day? I don't remember-She reminiscences the same I did. I stay still, analyzing my room, looking for the exact spot where I left it. Found it.
-Here, it was an agenda- I grab it and hand it to her- Made of real leather. I never used it, I felt that I should keep it the way he gave it to me.
-It's nice- Observing it dearly, she hugs the agenda with her eyes as if she could hug him through it. I feel her pain every time and, honestly, I have no idea how she copes with all of this. If it were her in the hospital, I would've killed for her to wake up.

-Woo- Putting the agenda away, and after meticulously watching my every move, she calls me.
-Yeah?- I close the zipper of my bag.
-Am I a burden to you?- What is she saying?
-What makes you think that?- I look at her, concerned about the sole idea that she sees herself as a hindrance.

-Everything you've been doing for me since, you know. I feel that you're carrying me over your shoulders. Am I not too heavy?- Lowering her sight, and with her finger tracing the seams of the bedspread.
-Do you remember the day I met Yeosang?- She was there through all of my hardships; she doesn't see it, though. If it weren't for her, I can truly say I wouldn't be the person I am today.

-Yeah, back at elementary school- She looks back at me.
-And do you remember how I used to have stage fright?
-You threatened me not to tell anyone- She rolls her eyes and chuckles.
-And do you remember how hard it was for me to have enough confidence to cook for contests?
-Why are you bringing up all of your traumas?- Still not getting the point, she looks at me puzzled.

 
-I was only able to overcome all of that because of you. You were always there, you never left me, you always saw the best in me and made me believe in myself. Now it's my turn. - She hugs me, tight and wholeheartedly.

 
-Thank you... I love you, Woo-
-I love you too, S- Sinking my face in her shoulder, I feel her warmth and flowery smell. 

I love you, I really love you.

Note:

Nerves - DPR Ian <3