I Want What I Can't Have

Not Again

I am running. Running. Running. It is dark but I can see where I am going. I am scared. I can here my heart pounding in my chest. I can feel myself growing weaker and weaker until I want to collapse into a heap on the floor. I don't look back. I keep running forwards. Running. Running. My head hurts. I'm bleeding. Hot, crimson liquid gushing from the sliced part of my forehead. My clothes covered in the stuff. My face it wet. Wet from the tears I am crying and from the sweat that is dripping from my every pour. Then I hear it.

"Flaire."

I jump up and my heart skips a beat. But I am still running. Running. Running. My head is getting worse but my brain had enough time to realise I know that voice. It is familiar. I long to hear it again. So I wait. But only silence follows. I am let down again and a fresh set of tears run down my wet face. My breathing is getting heavy and it hurts. My chest has tightened and I don't feel well. But then I hear it again.

"Flaire."

I know it this time and I am sure, so I scream at the top of my lungs, "FINNICK!"

My voice echos around the empty void of darkness. My head spins and I grow dizzy. And I have to stop running. Running. Running. My body can't take it. I collapse into a heap on the floor. Bleeding for my head. Sweating and crying. And I wait. I wait for the monster beyond to emerge from the shadows and eat me...

My stomach growled with hunger awakening myself from the only good part of the day, sleep. Only today it wasn't so good. No thanks to my trauma days that are seemingly continuous, I have these recurring nightmares. Jo gets them and sometimes Peeta does. When I wake up screaming they can calm me down. They talk about what happened in theirs. I'm not so open. This morning, or it might be afternoon who knows, Johanna was gone again and Peeta was still in peace, asleep. I watched as Enobaria tampered with the lock on her cell getting more and more frustrated when it wouldn't budge.

"Don't bother," I said, "if they could be picked or broken, we would've been out of here by now."

"Thanks Sherlock," she snapped.

"Why do you hate me," I said without thinking.

"I don't," she replied, sitting down,"I admire you."

"Funny way of showing it," I said, "especially the part where you tried to kill me."

"I was doing it for Snow," she said, "he promised me I'd finally be free if I killed you."

"Free?" I questioned.

"Prostitution," she replied, "I was so jealous. You said no, you had the guts, you and Johanna."

"Yeah and I payed for it," I said, "my family died for that. Would you rather live with that pain and guilt?"

"But you didn't know," Enobaria murmured, "you were standing up for what was right. I just went along with it, like I was his slave."

"I was still his slave. Even after I said no. He doesn't let us go, we're trapped," I said.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," I smiled back, tears on my eyes, "you don't deserve this."

"None of us do." She replied.

"Enobaria..." I began but clamped my mouth shut as a heard the door bolt shift open. Peeta jumped up immediately in fear, awakes from his slumber but I slid my hand through the bars and touched his arm to calm him down before snatching it back into my own cell before anyone saw.

"Grab her," a gruff voice said.

No. No. No. No. Not again.

***
I didn't resist. I didn't kick. I didn't scream. I didn't let a single sound pass my lips. I just walked numbly to my torture. Following the peacekeepers, praying this would all be over soon. We soon haunted at a door... and it was easily recognisable. I'd been here before. The peacekeepers came in with me and locked the door behind them.

"We're going to ask you some questions," the first said, "and we need you to answer."

I shook my head.

"You haven't even heard them yet," the second said. Their voices were so calm and slow it made them sound creepy.

"Were you part of the plan to get Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen out of the arena?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I replied.

"Who else was in on this plan?"

"There was no plan." I said.

"Why did you risk your life for Katniss Everdeen?"

"I didn't."

"Did Plutarch Heavensbee form this plan?"

"I don't know what this is about."

"Do you know where in District 13 they are?"

"I didn't even know that still existed."

"How many soldiers and weapons do they have?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Who is Alma Coin?"

"I have never heard that name in my life."

"What about Finnick?"

My heart stopped and my mouth and brain didn't connect making me murmur his name, "Finnick?"

"Finnick Odair," he continued, "was he part of this."

"I don't really talk to him."

"You used to live with him."

Shit they'd done their homework...

"After that I lost contact."

"Well he's here in the Capitol," he smiled, "I'll take you to him."

"No, he's not," I said, "you're lying."

"We have proof," he murmured, getting out a small device. He slowly pressed the play button and Finnick's voice rung out, echoing in the emptiness of the room.

"Flaire. Flaire! FLAIRE. Help me. Please, please. Help me. They're hurting me. They're killing me. Tell them anything please. It hurts so much. I need you. Come and see me..."

"Finnick? FINNICK!" I yelled running, towards the door, banging on it, "what did you do to him? WHAT DID YOU DO?"

I felt the tears running down my face as the peacekeepers grabbed me and pinned me down as a syringe was brought out and stabbed into my side the liquid seeping into my skin. They soon let go of me and I got up as I heard more footsteps. Walking in, was a peacekeeper and a little girl. She looked around four or five, bright blue eyes and beautiful golden hair. My heart plummeted in my chest and I watched her being chained up.

"Please!" I yelled, "please no!"

But it was too late. The peacekeepers had all left and a table had been laid out with weapons on it. Without control my hand seized a machete and my legs began walking towards the girl. I tried stop myself but I couldn't. I physically couldn't.

"NOOOOOO." I screamed, "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME. SHE'S INNOCENT."

My arms swung downwards and decapitated the girl. I crumbled to the floor in a sobbing mess. As I mourned her, sitting on her blood. I screamed until my throat was too raw to scream anymore and I couldn't believe what had just happened. What felt like hour later the peacekeepers removed me from the room.

I could hear Johanna's voice from a room not far off, "please....please don't..."

But I could do nothing. I was like a bug trapped in a jar. I was useless.

***
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