I Want What I Can't Have

My Turn

"She's been out for five days, what if she dies."

"Then Snow will have to deal with it."

"He didn't want her to die yet!"

"Yes but if her body couldn't take those lashes than how the hell did he expect her to live?"

"I don't know."

"She's not dead yet anyway, she's breathing look."

The voices were deep and gruff. I slowly opened my eyes and realised they were peacekeepers. Quickly I shut them, so they wouldn't know I had woken. My mouth was dry and my feet had pins and needles in them. I became aware of was laying on a white tiled floor and that the tiles were extremely cold. What please you surprised me was the lack of pain in my back. Of course there was still some there but absolutely nothing compared to when I was last conscious. My heart was thudding in my chest. I couldn't pretend to be asleep forever.

"What if we just woke her up?"

"Can we do that?"

"I mean we could finally torture her then. And after we can move onto the boy."

Peeta.

"After we've done the other girl for the fourth time."

Johanna.

"That's right, but what about the one with the sharp teeth."

"She's from District 2, we can slap her but nothing more."

"Then yeah why not, let's wake her up."

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I felt a cold, gloved hand roughing shake my arm.

"Get Up!" He yelled.

I stayed still.

"She might not wake up, you hit her pretty hard with that thing."

"I'll make her get up," he hissed, "GET UP!"

He suddenly became more violent. He shook my entire body now in this rough manor until I was forced to open my eyes. The pain that he was causing my back wasn't good.

"Told you," he spat, letting me fall to the floor.

"Aren't we going to giver her a minute to wake up?"

"We need to prepare the torture."

And with that they both walked out, leaving me on the floor.

***
I sat up, collecting myself. My back stung but I'd bear it. It could be much worse. That's what I kept telling myself anyway. I waited and waited, anxiety creeping in my empty stomach. I began to fidget with my fingers and allowed them to trace swirl patterns on my legs and face. I let myself relax and regulated my breathing. I couldn't show Snow that I was scared. 'Don't give him the satisfaction,' Jo would say. But she's not here now. I began to think about her. Surely by now she was awake. But hadn't they been talking about how they tortured her more? I prayed she was alright.

The door clicked open and only one of them returned. He took my arm and told me to not even think of escaping, which I wasn't, I'd already figured out that one. I was lead once again through the endless passages of shiny white tiles before we came to a haunt outside a door. Briskly, the peacekeeper got out his keys and unlocked the door and gave me a harsh push in.

"This time you can't say no." He smiled as he left me there, locking the door behind him.

What the hell did that mean? I took a deep breath glancing around the room. It was like all the others but had a slab of metal attached to a wall with chains, assumably for wrists and ankles. After I'd been in their for a few moments men began to come in, dressed in black. Two of them grabbed me, put a hand over my mouth and prevented me from using my hands or legs. I didn't flail around this time, just accepting the torture. I expected to be put on the slab of metal but to my surprise they brought a child in and attached him to it.

"Now?" the man who was holding me asked suddenly.

"Now," the other one confirmed.

All of sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the man pull out a needle the size of a book. I felt as in sharp tip penetrated my skin and whatever was in it was released into my skin. I felt a rush of nausea and I don't remember much else.

***
When I was next aware of my consciousness I was horrified to find a dagger in my hand covered in blood. My eyes trailed towards where it came from and I was shocked to find the boy that they'd attached to the metal slab dead, with dagger wounds covering his body. I had done that. I had stabbed him. But I didn't mean to. Didn't want to. Didn't know. This was my torture. I sprinted up to a man and started punching him, attacking him like a wild animal. I was soon yanked off of the guy by several others, but I didn't stop trying to hurt all of them, like they hurt me. They took me back to the cells where the others were and locked the door. The room was dark and I couldn't see a thing. At least it was all over for now.

"Flaire!" Johanna yelled.

"Jo," I gasped, seeing her lack of hair, "what did they do?"

"They... they put me in water. A massive, massive tank of water, and they lock the top. They tell me they'll get me out of I give information away and when I don't, they put something electrical in the water and I get electrocuted," she murmured.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I sobbed.

"Shhh it's okay, what happened to you, you were gone so long," she said.

"I got whipped, then passed out, then I went in for torture," I breathed.

"What happened?" came Peeta's voice.

"They made me kill a boy," I said, "but I didn't know I was doing it. I didn't mean to do it."

"It's okay," Jo whispered, "we know you didn't."

"Let's just sleep," Peeta said, "it'll get your mind off of it."

***
When I next awoke I glanced beside me, seeing that Peeta was gone.

"It's his turn now," Enobaria said.

"We're waiting for yours," I hissed at her.

She rolled her eyes and turned her back to me but I didn't care. I looked to my other side and saw Johanna was soaked again. Her head now had no hair on it. She wasn't looking towards me and I heard her small sniffles in the silence. I reached through the bars and stroked her arm, but immediately she jerked away.

"Don't look at me," she spat.

"Jo," I breathed.

"I said don't look at me," she replied, "I'm hideous."

"You could never be hideous," I said quietly.

"Like this I can," Johanna said, her tears glistening in the little light provided.

"I don't think you are," I said.

"You're just being nice," she replied.

"Jo," I murmured, "don't let them define you. Don't let them make you feel like this. Remember when you didn't give a fuck.... About anything, but especially about the Capitol and Snow. Why have you started now?"

"Because Flaire they fucking do this," she sobbed, "they took it all away from me. My family, my rights, my virginity, my hair.... They're not going to stop."

"We'll make them stop," I whispered.

"No, you can't and you never will," she sighed, "that's what we have the mockingjay for."

I slid my arm through the iron bars and grabbed her hand. She immediately took it and squeezed it back. I looked at her now letting my tears pour freely.

"They're coming," I whispered, "I know they're coming."

Where are you Finnick?

***
😭😭😭
Snow is soooo EVIL
Thanks for reading xx