The Flame Trilogy (Books I, II & III)

2.18

Dimitri

I wake in my own bed, and it unsettles me since the last place I remember being is my office. It means I have been out for a while, and considering the current situation, I fear I do not have to be knocked out cold.

There was once a time I berated Arashi for the very same self-mutilating sense of duty, her derision of my insistence for her care had once been an insult. Now that I know the stakes, I cannot fault her too much— the urgency makes my bones ache.

Arashi.

The thought of her has my boy shaking with tremors all over again, the mirage of her as I fell to my knees in my office coming back to my mind's eye. I may remember what happened but it does not mean I have any better understanding of it.

A cool hand presses against my forehead, and I startle at the touch, practically flinching with the urge to snap the wrist of the person beside me. I turn my head, neck protesting with the movement to catch the sight of Azura by my bedside. She looks much the same as she did before which surprises me, though not as much as her own surprise to see me awake.

"You're up. Good." Her tone is clipped, and if I didn't know any better I would think that she is concerned. There is a weariness that has crept into her features, I wonder if it is because of me— I really should be paying her a lot more.

"How long was I out."

"Just the night." She replies easily, "I slowed your heart so that you could get some sleep."

"What happened?" My mouth feels like cotton, and my head still feels heavy; it feels as though I've spent the night hooked up to electricity, or giving myself alcohol poisoning, or some rancid combination of the two. Still I force myself to sit up, not having the luxury to stay down.

She looked up at Alexei who stood by the door. I know she wants me to dismiss him but I find no reason to, on the contrary, if there is something grievously wrong he needs to be the first to know. When she realises that I will not send my Beta away, she hardens her gaze and I'm not sure I like what it means.

"The physical sensations are a result of your connection with your mate. I wasn't able to find much, but putting together what I did... It points to the fact that your mate was unfaithful."

The initial shock is like a bucket of ice cold water over my head, but it is also sobering.

Arashi being 'unfaithful' implies that I once had her loyalty in the first place; as much as I think we may have grown through our dream encounters, it remains abundantly clear to me that she had never taken to being my mate in the first place.

I remember the day they had come for her, all that time ago. When I looked at her with the admission in my eyes that I couldn't say out loud. I love you. I had screamed it in my soul and her response had only made it harder to let her go– 'I know. Me too.' Only she hadn't; hadn't understood it, hadn't felt it— not in the way that I did her.

I know this. I know in my mind, that what we had, what we had grown to was not enough. I have spent so much time replaying every moment before this torment began thinking of all the ways I would rewrite things if I could have, because I knew.

Yet, it still stings.

I understand now why Azura had wanted me to send Alexei away. Perhaps if he were any other wolf, and this were any other pack, and if Arashi were any other female he may have looked down on me with some kind of pity, or worse open mockery. But he knew just as I did, the claws that Arashi had; he had seen how brightly she burnt, how wildly she would spread her flame. He knew exactly what she was like.