Been Hunting Home | Suarez III

Chapter 38

HUNT

Regret is what you get from a bad decision you made.

I always knew that.

It was the reason why I became skeptical of my words and actions. I doubted them before doing or speaking because mouth killed more hearts than bullets have. I didn't want to be an unknown criminal just because there was no blood.

I didn't learn the regret from the decision I thought to be the best because it made me the happiest.

And if you are in between mournful and thankful, what it is?

Is it really regret for what happened or a disappointment it happened that way?

"Why? Do you regret loving her—I mean meeting her in the first place?"

Blanche joins me in my denial phase. I knew how long it can last. I need someone who will remind me of what should be done, because I only know what I want.

I drank the remaining beer on the bottle before answering her. "I regret not knowing who we are sooner."

"But do you regret knowing her?"

My grip on the bottle tightened. Mula sa pagkakatingin sa kawalan, bumaling ako sa kaniya.

"Only if she's not who she is . . . I won't feel this way." My eyes started to burn.

She sighed. "I got it. You were happy you met and loved her but her identity made you confused. You wanted her but it's wrong to insist it no matter what. So now, you're stuck between regretting it or not. Because at some point, you were the happiest and you wished you can still be."

"You read me so well." I chuckled and let my tears wet my cheeks.

"Fuck fate and its games. How traitor of it to give you a safe place then took it away in the most cruel way."  Umiling siya, dismayado sa hindi matukoy na tao. She held my thigh and looked at me. "You were there before. I know you'll get over this just like you always do"

"Blanche . . . H-Helped me." I never asked help often. I can't even remember the last time I said that line.

I am used to be the helper, the one who feels guilty when I failed to offer a hand. I didn't want to be a burden to people. I want to do things alone. I suffer in silence, endure in silence, heal in silence, be okay in public.

"I don't know what to do, Blanche. Please tell me what I can do . . . I feel so lost." Even when crying, I'm silent.

She reached for my cheeks to dry them. "You know you have to get rid of what's in your heart, right? You have to move forward. But you don't have to rush it. You might be feeling miserable and mistaken, but none of you wanted the wrong to happen. Do it gradually. You don't have to unloved her today, in an instant.

"Remember what you told me when we were in high school and I broke up with my ex? I was so eager to forget the fucking pest in a day. But you said if a physical heart defect take years to heal and function better, what made me think that the intangible pain I was feeling will vanish right away? Feel it to the core, feel the most of it, then eventually it won't hurt anymore."

I nodded, still tears pouring on my cheeks. It was like hearing myself. True enough, it's not easier for me to help than to get help.