A Pain Lost In The Stars - Complete

Chapter 12

Kix was on the verge of falling unconscious. 

"Shit Kix! We have to get you out of your armour before you freeze to death. The last thing I need is for Boss and Coric to find out you died from pneumonia" Jesse murmured to himself helping the medic shed his armour. Kix wasn't entirely there but he allowed a smile to settle on his face. Jesse smirked at the medic who moved away from him as soon as Jesse tried to remove his top. Kix glared at the lieutenant who frowned. 

"Kix, we need to get you out of them clothes" 

"I know, just turn around," Kix instructed. Jesse was quick to comply, getting a fire going in the barn's fireplace allowing Kix time to himself. The medic was unhappy due to being cold but he didn't want Jesse finding out about his chest. It was littered in scars much more than his back. He had spent a month in torture and he had almost ended his own life but thinking about Dove saved him yet again. 

"Now you can turn around" Kix's voice was a relief to Jesse's ears as the silence was unbearable. Kix was wrapped up in an emergency medical blanket while Jesse was stripping to his shorts. The medic decided to glare at the flames in front of them allowing Jesse some privacy. 

What was worse than being stuck in a barn with your worst enemy was being naked and having to rely on their body warmth to keep from freezing to death. 

So there they sat two ex-lovers one wrapped in a blanket while the other held them close to their nude chest to try and warm them up. The fire wasn't much help but it was better than the rain.

"Kix, I'm sorry" Jesse admitted out loud with remorse full in his tone. Kix ignored him which allowed him to carry on. Jesse sighed inwardly as he dived into the emotions he had kept close to his heart for five years straight. "How do I say the words 'I'm sorry' when I know the words are not enough? And how can I ask you to forgive me when I can't even forgive myself? I wish I could take back what I said that night and day in the medical bay with Hardcase. You didn't deserve the abuse, I was pathetic for not realising what you were going through until I read the letters you gave me. There weren't any words I could say to take away the pain. Even the simple 'Im sorry' won't cut it, I know I screwed up and I have probably ruined my chance of ever earning your love back but Kix I want you to know that I want to be here with you and if you don't want me. Just tell me, okay. I deserve it…." Jesse was cut off as Kix turned to face him, the medic seemed to be studying his eyes for a long time. Jesse sat in silence and tried not to move as Kix resituated himself to face the Lieutenants body. Kix made a 'go on' gesture. Jesse nodded, gulping down the tears, Kix rubbed his own face.

Jesse couldn't think of anything to say and he noticed Kix's raised eyebrow so he said the first thing that came to his mind, "With a bruised heart and a deflated ego, with a sad soul and a head hung low. I apologise to you unconditionally. I wasn't there for you and I will never forgive myself for it. I ask you, Kix. If there is any chance I can make it up to you. I should have been there for you but I underestimated myself and you. Instead of comforting you, I hurt you and I can promise I will never lay a hand on you ever again. I understand why you ran and a part of me thanks you for raising Dove into a beautiful young woman. There was no way in hell I would be able to do that without you by my side. Kix I still love you but if there is nothing anymore between us. I'm not going to abandon you. I want to have you in my life as well as Dove if she will let me. I want to be with you and watch your back even if it's just by being your batchmate. Again, I'm sorry and I'm not wanting forgiveness that I don't deserve but…"

"I have a pacemaker, my heart isn't going to last long" Kix interrupted Jesse who looked at the medic in shock. "What? What happened?" Jesse demanded. 

"When I was captured by the Republic. I was taken to a lab belonging to the kaminoans. During an escape, I was shot straight through the chest by one of the Crimson Dawn members. I almost died but for some reason I was saved and I only learned it was because of the codes I held close to my chest. The separatists tried to get them as did the Republic but I wasn't sharing so they saved me but not entirely. I have about twenty years left of my life and the question is: do I really want to spend it holding a grudge against an asshole who turned my life upside down within seconds or do I want to spend it with someone who I can't seem to keep thinking about. Although suicide was my way out, I see a better route now. But the question is, can you forgive me for not telling you about Dove?" Kix asked with tears in his eyes as he moved his blanket showing Jesse the scars and permanent bruise over his heart.