Random Blabbings

"i have to get stronger."

before i speak any further, i just have to say i love one piece.

now that it's out of the way, my next declaration is i love zoro.

please excuse all the "love" words because I'm on a mission to not cringe with these words so i have to use and familiarise myself with them.

plus, i do love one piece and zoro so there's that.

now, onto the blab. . .

i was browsing twitter when i saw a gif of a training zoro with the subtitle: "I have to get stronger."

and then suddenly, i know why i love the guy.

to get you some more context, before i browsed twitter, i randomly checked my notes in my phone. there are tags for different things but mostly for my story ideas and thoughts.

there are actual bits of scenes for a story i've been wanting to write since last year. scenes i already forgot but when i read them, everything is so clear in my head.

the setting, who are the characters, what they're doing, why they're in that setting and how they will end up.

after going through those scenes and seeing them so clearly in my head, it's like a fire is lit inside me and my whole body is growling to write that story.

and i was about to.

when i closed the notes up, however, i was harshly pulled back to reality. that i'm on my bed, and that in our house, 80% of the people are already prepping to sleep at this time of the night.

the 20% will most likely be me and my brother staying up late doing or watching god knows what on our phones.

the fire inside me was doused with cold water.

if i'm gonna write, i need a whole space for that. actual physical space with notes and drawings lying around thay i can scribble anytime and reorder based on my whims. i work like that. the vast majority of the apps available for writers doesn't give me the same organisation as those i can instantly pull under a notebook or stick to the wall. and bcs i'm writing, i have to feel safe. safe enough to write whatever cheesy lines the male character will throw and whatever curse the girl will reply. safe enough to not be looking behind my shoulder everytime.

that's just something impossible in this house.

and so the doused fire turned into frustration.

why do i have a lot of demand or need to work on these stories? why do i require so much to work on my self projects? why can't i finish anything? am i not capable of finishing anything? why am i so fickle? i hate that i'm so fickle. but why do i hate that I'm fickle? what if it's just the way i create? what if by wanting to be steadfast, i lose this creativity? i lose the playfulness? the wonder?

why can't i be consistent?

this is a personal problem i have with myself. it's so hard to be consistent.

to actually contain this inconsistency, i build routines and habits. i go up at this hour, do this and do that.

but even so, when it comes to writing or drawing or anything I'm interested in, i can't seem to be consistent.

and i hate it. because i think it's a weakness. a hamartia. something if i can overcome, i can reach heights i couldn't even dream about—but i can't. it's been years since i learned this about myself but i'm still here. at the same spot.

but then i will also think, why do i hate this aspect of myself so much? i have already come a long way. why can't i guve myself the credit i deserve? the rest i need?

why am i so hard on myself?

zoro's i have to get stronger hit that.

see, in the straw hats, zoro is the 2nd guy. and no, this has nothing to do with power scaling or competition between the straw hats.

zoro is just the second guy introduced. he is also the same guy with a reputation right from the start. he is feared as the pirate hunter. he is already strong.

and not all straw hats are strong, in terms of physical strength. tho they all have their own fields they excel in.

but because not all of them are build and dedicated into fighting, the duty fell on those who can. and zoro is one of those and he will continue to grow stronger as they travel the seas.

personally, i think zoro is one of the strongest character in the one piece world. at least of those in their generation. and also with the most potential to be the strongest.

the man doesn't have a devil fruit. no genetic manipulation. no suits. he only has this pure and intense ambition to be the world's greatest swordsman.

so over the course of the series, you'll see him training and napping and being an alcoholic and training. and training. and training.

my point is, even though he's already incredibly strong, the man is still so hard on himself. the man is still using every time available to him to train because being weak is no excuse. because what is the use of begging or crying when shit gets real? no one will come for them. they have to watch their own backs.

and i get that.

i relate to that so hard.

the relatability of zoro for me, however, stops at his consistency. at the fire in him that seems to never cease. at this pure and unbridled sense of passion over his dream.

i have to get stronger hits because we're both hard on ourselves. never okay with what we currently have. always wanting to be better. grow more. try more.

but i have to get stronger also hits because it meant always trying. always moving one step towards the goal. it's also a hit that hurts because i find it so difficult to do that.

it's also a hit that made me write this lengthy blab because it's so inspiring. because i can try. and try. and get frustrated. but then try again. and again. until i'll be able to write that story. and those other stories.

and, i guess, that's why i do (love zoro) have to get stronger.