Random Blabbings

Challenged

Last week? Or whatever.

Nag-start ang regular classes. Ang regular school loads. At ang impending doom na mas kilala sa tawag na performances.

Again, compared sa regular class na magkakaedad kayo, mas prefer ko 'tong malawak ang range ng edad. Isa kasi sa wala sa mga kaedad ko, yung sense ng responsibility at mas flexible na personality sa socialization. Matatanda na sila, e. Mas may karanasan na sa pakikisama sa iba't ibang uri ng tao.

It's a real delight how I learn something new from them every day. From their interactions to random facts and relevant knowledge. How I enjoyed observing them.

Last week din, natuwa ako masyado to the point that I actually cared upon who are my classmates. I fudging cared. For like, sabay-sabay ba kami gra-graduate? Kakayanin ba namin?

And for a moment, I couldn't think of what would go wrong. Like, we can actually do everything. Like, we can actually conquer whatever roadblocks will go our way.

Then, it happened.

We're grouped. For the impending doomsss. We're fudging future teachers and we have to be flexible. To know our strengths and weaknesses. Kailangan yun, e. Para handa kami sa real world. Tanggap ko. Shit, tanggap ko talaga. Kasi nga teacher. I am not after the salary kahit hindi naman kami mayaman. I am after what I could contribute to the world before I die.

Ang isa sa gusto ko rin dito, pinipilit ng profs, ng circumstances, na i-break ko yung shell kung saan kumportable kong kinulong yung sarili ko. That these are challenges to reshape me to become a better me.

Kasi alam ko yung weaknesses ko. And without these problems, these circumstances, I wouldn't be force to act against my weaknesses. Kaya kahit mahirap, kahit nakakakaba, kahit nakakatakot, nandito pa rin ako. Because everyday life is a fucking lesson to learn from. No matter how fucked up it is.

Then the mail arrived, the messenger of problems have dropped by.

So, maybe it's my fault. I've become too familiar. Too comfortable to speak up my ideas and opinions. Too sensitive to every move. Too observant. Too attached. Or I was too self-centered to notice how others will feel. Or maybe I trusted them so much, thinking I know them.

Or maybe, I expected so much from them. That after all, their age is a mere number of how many laps they've made around the sun. I was reminded that it's not an indication of knowledge. That no matter who they are, they're people.

I was reminded that people are. . . scary.