Random Blabbings

Vindicated

Trigger warning:
The following blab has themes and feels which may not be suitable to your judgemental standards and the society's norm. Either go away or open mindedness is advised. 

| you have been warned |

The blab starts with the fact that my grandmother is sick.

I don't know the details, kung hirap ba siya huminga dahil sa hika? Nilalagnat? Etc?

Ang alam ko lang nagpa-panic na si Mama at nandun lang ako, naghihintay na mautusang bumili ng gamot kasi ganun naman lagi. (fun fact: ako nga ang inutusan kagabi)

I was feeling. . . nothing.

Sinubukan kong pagsabihan yung sarili ko. Par, may sakit ata lola mo, hindi ka man lang ba concern?

And again, I felt nothing.

In our society, it's like a must that you should be concern to a family member. Especially if it's a close one.

I grew up with my grandmother. We're living in the same house for years. In fact, we sleep in the same room. But even if I tried, I still feel nothing towards her.

Inisip ko kung bakit. And then all the things she had done to my family, flashed in my mind.

Through the years, I tried to find answers on questions like why did she treats us that way? But I came up empty. So, I resorted to understanding. Na baka masyado pang mababaw yung pang-unawa ko para maintindihan kung anong ugat ng kilos at ugali niya.

Then suddenly, I was struck with the realization that maybe, the reason why I am apathetic towards her is because she never did teach me to feel something positive, like concern and love, towards her. She never did.

All I'm saying is people like me, didn't just happened. There's a deeper reason, a deeper scar that shaped us to be just the way we are. I am not making excuses for the sorry excuse called my past or my attitude. I know that it may be the people around me that made me grew up this way, but it will be my fault if I stay this way.

But bear in mind that what you see is simply the tip of the iceberg. If you're not ready to dive deep, don't judge.