Random Blabbings

A Little Something

Hindi ako yung tipo ng taong nagkwe-kwento ng mga personal na bagay sa kung sino-sino. Not because 'mysterious peeps' are now trendy or because I've always been fascinated with mysteries that I freaking became one. Nope. That's absurd.

Hindi ako nagkwe-kwento ng personal na issues at problema sa kung sino-sino kasi hindi ako kumportable. Kaya hindi ako tambay sa facebook, at sa twitter. Putting my thoughts on social media for the world to see feels like a knife I've so graciously given for anyone to use against me. It's downright stupidity.

But this isn't about my view on social media. This is about a different something.

So, let's see. Nung isang araw, kumuha ako ng entrance exam para sa eskwelahan na gusto kong sunugin (seryoso. ililigtas ko lang yung paborito kong teacher tapos pwede na sila lahat masunog).

So, there's this personality test na walang time limit after the IQ test. Natapos ko yung personality test na 200+ items within 30 mins at hindi makapaniwala si koya.

Baka daw hinulaan ko. Natawa ako. Sabi niya seryoso siya, pag daw lumabas dun na mongoloid ako, hindi ako tatanggapin ng school. Lalo akong natawa.

Mukhang nawirduhan na si koya.

Hindi ko na sinabi sa kanya na ilang beses na akong kumuha ng gano'n at alam ko na rin ang kalalabasan ng test na 'yon: assertive, placid, passive blah blah blah

Kilala ko sarili ko. Thank you very much.

Dahil che-checkan pa daw yung tests, I waited a bit outside the room, simultaneously trying to persuade Mama that we should head home and that I'm so damn thirsty we should buy something.

Maya-maya, tinawag ako. Pinapasok sa office ng guidance counselor sa college.

I went in. Tiningnan ni Ma'am yung IQ test ko, mukha namang satisfied siya. Tiningnan niya yung sumunod na test, saka kumunot ang noo.

To be honest, (crap, too many things is getting revealed here) I don't know how I maintain that poker aka passive face in almost every situation. Unless, makita ko si Jhing Bautista o si Rayne Mariano o si Ed Sheeran in person because I might be so thrilled na aakalain mong end of the world na. Tinanong na ako kung pano ko nagagawa 'yon, I am tempted to answer 'don't care 'bout tons of things and you'll be as good as me'.

Pero minsan kasi, hindi ko lang alam ang ire-react. Kagaya nito:

"Depressed ka?"

To say that I was blown away is an understatement. I wasn't blown away. I was forced to stay on my position to receive the freaking blow, and it's awful.

Tinitigan niya ako at ang nasagot ko lang, "Ma'am?"

Yes. I feel so stupid that time.

No'ng nakalabas na ako, natapos na ang usapan, nakita ko na yung paborito kong teacher at tapos na pakay ko sa sinumpang lugar na 'yon, umuwi na kami.

But the earlier scene just wouldn't leave my mind.

After some time, nasabi ko na lang, "Tangina? Talaga? Ba't nagulat ako?"

Nagulat ako kasi hindi ko akalain na kapag ang tingin mo pala sa mundo ay black and white with the occasional gray on some lines, depressed ka pala.

Lol, no. I'm kidding.

Nagulat ako kasi kahit alam kong may chance na gano'n nga ako, hindi ko inakalang gano'n kataas yung level. Hindi ko inakalang hindi ko mapapansin na ganun ako. I've always trusted how I see myself, and that made me question this little trust.

Maraming maaaring factors kung ba't ako depressed ( i could list them but then i couldn't find a reasonable reason to list them, so nah ). O kung bakit nade-depress ang isang tao.

You can blame it on society. On people. On this little biatch known as life. On your family. On your peers. On those missed opportunities. On that messed up mind of yours. Or on yourself because you're a trash, an expendable, a hopeless case or all of the above.

But I know that one way of walking peacefully with it, is to first make peace with yourself.

Wow. Big words.

But I don't care even if those are gigantic and monstrous words, you need to will yourself and take that step. Take that step. Take that freaking step.

Accept it if you couldn't change it. Do something about it because as I write this blab, I am one step into accepting it. Accepting that I am flawed in more ways than I know and that nothing is certain. That I will be spending my year on that goddamned school.

Because later, I will have a delightful cup of coffee with myself and that makes it two steps into accepting it. Which makes me wonder, how many steps are there before I could accept it?

I dunno. Maybe, two? Or maybe endless steps of you, always choosing to take it forward.

Just don't stay on that pit of depression without trying and then call yourself a victim because goodness gracious, I will personally bury you on that pit. Seriously.

Another thing, I don't let words have their power on me. That little word, depressed, has a very negative impact that it could trigger the freaking depression itself.

So, I don't do labels. I'm sad, that's it! I'm happy. I'm crazy. I'm nervous. When there are days that I feel all of that, I am K.

Basic words. Basic feels. Easier to deal with.

I am not on a constant existential crisis or supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Mali ata spell? Don't care, I don't use it anyways.

Lahat ng 'to, pwede mo masabing pagiging impokrito. Sino ako para pangaralan ka sa bagay na kinalulunuran ko rin?

I am not preaching. I am trying to say to you that someone is having the same crap you're going through and I am telling you ways on how I deal with it so maybe, you can use it too.

Because gods, that's something we all need, 'no? Just someone. For this moment, let me be that someone to you. Then maybe, if you feel generous enough, you could be that someone to someone else too.

Sabi nga ni Gavin babes sa Something Spectacular, "be brave." at sabi ni Julian na character ni Benedict Cumberbatch sa The Fifth Estate, "nakakahawa ang katapangan."

There goes my little something. A piece of me that could be a potential knife to use against me. Hindi ako nagkwe-kwento ng personal na bagay sa kung sino-sino, but if this risk is a way of going through it, I am willing to take that step.

So I started typing, then pushed that button called YOLO and published this blabbed.

Isa pa, hindi ako pinapansin ng utol ko sa kadahilanang hindi ko rin alam so magtiis kayo sa kalokohang ito. ( pag nakita niyo nga siya, pakisabi uwi na siya at hindi na ako galit *le cries* )

With that been blabbed,
I'll bring this small sliver of hope with me and get through this. I hope you do, too.

:')