𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚 |𝟏𝟖+

27 || Never Over

song: doubt - twenty one pilots 

.....

aurora moretto

I thought it was over.

Just for a moment while Matteo was holding me in his arms, I thought my suffering had ended.

I was so fucking stupid.

Every time there's hope, it's shattered. How many times before my ability to have hope at all is destroyed?

I'm losing my sanity little by little. And the worse part of it all is I'm aware. I know that I'm going insane and I can't do anything about it.

I barely recognize myself, how long until Matteo can't recognize the woman he loves?

He hasn't even told me yet but I can feel it in the way he looks at me. His fingertips tell me as they caress my body.

We haven't even gotten to fully explore our newfound love and yet, it's already slipping from our reaches and we don't have a reason. I can't give him a reason.

Turning around in Matteo's arms, I caress his cheek. He sleeps peacefully, not aware of the war going on inside my head. "I'm so sorry," I whisper to him. "I'm not fully here. I'm not the woman you think I am. She's disappearing." Tears slide down my temples. "I want her back as much as you do." I kiss his lips before carefully slipping out of our bed.

I'm meeting with Dr. Saari again today to see if there's anything I can do to restore my quality of life. Medicine, meditation, at this point, I'll try anything.

After meeting with her, I have a lunch date with Valerie. I have absolutely no energy to even leave the bed but I know that I need to leave this house. See the fucking sun for the first time in days.

While I get ready, I pray that I don't wake Matteo, it's getting harder to hide my mental state and he sees right through me. Today is just awful, my mind's been reeling all night. I didn't get a blink of sleep. Whether it was voice's that weren't mine or me trying to figure out how I'm gonna continue my life like this.

Opening my dresser draw, I freeze when I hear Matteo stir. I keep my eyes shut silently praying he doesn't wake. I turn my head to see he just moved to lay on his back, his arm covering his eyes. I love you.

The urge to tell him has been heavy but I want to tell him when I'm myself, fully put together not weighed down by my illness? I don't even know what to call it, is there even a name?

I go into the bathroom to change, just to be careful. I shut the door behind me and my eyes zone in on the mirror.

My ears start to ring as he pins me to the bathroom counter and starts slamming my head in the mirror from behind. I feel shards of glass embedding in my scalp and my hair starts to clump with blood. His eyes, wide in outrage are the only see I can see as his hands tighten around my throat.

"Stop," I whisper out loud, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths.

I try to change as quickly as I can but it's difficult when I feel multiple invisible eyes on me. Always here, always watching.

Always here, always watching.

Always here, always watching.

Always here, always watching.

A̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶e̶,̶ ̶a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ ̶w̶a̶t̶c̶h̶i̶n̶g̶.

My hand reaches for the door handle as a sharp pain hits the back of my head.