Learning to live

Learning to live: now i know

After 3 minutes that felt like 30 johanna shouted through the bathroom door "soooo am I becoming a auntie for the 3rd time?"
My eyes were glued shut this couldn't be real. If I didn't open my eyes then it wouldn't be happening. Yeah right. I forced myself to open my left eye first although that was still incapable of darting down to the stick in my hand. "come on just look" I whispered to myself as my nerves swam around my stomach. I mentally counted to 3 and popped my eyes open. This is it. You have to know. I slowly raised the test to my eye level but immediately closed them before I could see the result. Shit.
"Johanna?" I called out.
"Yessssssssss" she replied clearly standing outside the door.
"Can you look at it for me? I can't bring myself to do it" I embarrassingly admitted.
I expected a snarky comment from her but instead she opened the bathroom door and took the test out of my hand.
"Well girl on fire you're not pregnant"
My face dropped and for some reason I felt a lump form in the back of my throat. I thought I never wanted a child. I thought I didn't want to be pregnant. I guess i had grown attached at the idea of having a baby. Of being pregnant. A lump formed in my throat and somehow tears filled my eyes and came down my face. "Why am I crying" I sniffled which caused me to sob even more. Jesus I did want a baby I felt glad I hadn't told peeta I thought I was pregnant he would be feeling a hundred times worse than me right now.
Johanna started to smile. A smile so wide it almost would have been contagious if I wasn't in this situation. Only johanna mason would find somebody heartbroken sobbing on a bathroom floor funny. And I couldn't even shout at her because it was johanna mason. It's what she did best. Also I couldn't even form words never mind shout at somebody.
I put my head down bringing my knees to my chest in effort of composing myself. I took long deep breaths.
I looked at johanna who was still smiling her head off staring at me. I couldn't take it any longer. "Okay johanna I know you find this funny and it's you I know but can't you just once not laugh at my upset?"
That smile turned into a smirk and she sat down beside me.
"Do you want this?" She asked gesturing to the pregnancy test.
"Are you serious?" I huffed looking away from it.
Her smile grew even bigger.
"What the fuck johanna? I thought you were my best friend?" I cried.
"I am"
"So why do you find me hurting so funny"
"I lied"
"What do you mean you lied??"
"I wanted you to know how you felt and what you actually wanted so I told you, you wasn't pregnant"
I stared at her blankly.
"Smile! You are having a baby love bird!" She laughed.
A smile escaped my lips.
"Wow I hate you" I almost laughed taking the stick out of her hand.
"Yeah well at least now you know what you want" she casually stated.
She stood up holding her hands out to pull me up.
"Come on Mockingjay better go tell mr Mockingjay that you're having a baby Mockingjay"
"What a tongue twister" I laughed rolling my eyes.
"Go!" She shouted hitting me on the bottom as I walked.
I turned back smiling at her "thanks Jo"
"Yeah yeah" she said waving her hand.
Snow had fallen fast in the past hour or so I was in Johanna's. The winter air was crisp and as cold as ever. The freshly fallen snow crunched under my feet making a trail of foot prints leading from Johanna's house to mine. As I walked over the round the fountain I saw Luca sat staring out the window. As soon as he saw me he banged on the window trying a hard as he could to get my attention. It hurt my heart a little realising he was nearly 3 and wouldn't be this small forever. I frantically waved back until he was satisfied turning back away to watch the TV. I smiled to myself wondering if Luca would have a boy cousin to play football and video games with or a girl cousin he could boss around and protect in school. Content with myself in that moment I pushed open the door. Peeta still wasn't up. Suddenly becoming overly warm I pulled peeta's hoodie off over my head. My light hunters strides some how made it up stairs. The excitement of me having a baby bubbled up inside of me and i couldn't wait to tell peeta considering he has wanted this for so long. I quickly walked into our before on expecting to find peeta in our bed. However he wasn't there. But my car and his car was still parked in the driveway and peeta was definitely to lazy to walk in this weather. "Peeta" I shouted expecting a response. "peeta heeeeelllloooooo" I shouted even louder. The house was as quiet as ever. He was probably out at one of our friends houses thinking I had gone there. Somewhere in the back of my mind though I knew something was up and a weird wishy washy feeling had submerged in my stomach. I paced to the bathroom hoping I could get rid of the feeling by being sick. However when I saw him. Peeta. Lying on his back not a single breath escaping his body. Just like in the quarter quell when his heart had stopped beating, the sickness got a hundred times worse.