Learning to live

Learning to live: annie

Me an Johanna walked into breakfast, haymitch was sitting wolfing down a full English, Effie passed out on the table, her head in her hands. Annie still hadn't shown up. My mum had Luca, feeding him. Mel an her boyfriend were sat eating nursing their hangovers an delly looked like she could be sick. Again. I don't know where all the others were probably still sleeping off last night. Gale an peeta hadn't come down yet an I didn't if they actually would.

"Let's get some food" Johanna said rubbing her hands together.

We both walked over to the banquet of food making our way through, bacon, sausage, beans, egg, tomatoes, toast, mushrooms an so much more.

We sat down next to Effie an haymitch.

"Ruff night?" I asked Effie jokingly.

She shot up like I startled her.

"Oh katniss hi" she sounded groggy.

"You feeling alright?" Johanna mocked.

"Apart from this pounding in my head an sickness I am fine Johanna"

"Yep I can't wait to get home tonight" I said

"Actually I told Caesar that you, peeta, Johanna, Annie an haymitch would appear on 'the late show with Caesar, it slipped my mind" she confessed.

"Seriously? When do we leave?" I asked.

"4, then venia an the rest of your prep team will get you ready an you're on at 9"

"I just hope Annie shows up, I think being in 4 has really messed her up" Johanna said rubbing her head.

"Why what do you mean, where is she?" Effie seemed more assert.

"She didn't come home last night?" Johanna replied.

"And you're only just telling us now? jo she could be in danger!" Haymitch almost shouted.

"Hey don't just blame me almost everyone knew"

"Obviously not everyone" haymitch growled angrily standing up.

"Where are you going?" Johanna asked.

"To try an find Annie? Seems like I'm the only one who gives a shit"

"I'm coming with" I said whipping my mouth with a napkin.

"I'll stay here an let you know if she comes back" Effie said heading off to the front desk.

"You staying here then?" I asked Johanna.

"No, no I'm coming" she shovelled a piece or toast into her mouth following me an haymitch out the room.

Walking out I asked Effie to tell peeta an gale we were searching for annie, an that he should take Luca from my mum because she's had him all night. Effie nodded carrying on talking to the manager of the hotel.

"So where do we start?" I asked already feeling worried.

"Maybe," Johanna cleared her throat. "Maybe finnick's grave" she said looking at the floor.

"Yeah" I agreed. "Makes sense"

"Lets go" haymitch said.

"You know where it is?" Johanna asked haymitch.

"Yeah, I've visited"

"Me too" Johanna confessed.

Guilt swirled round my stomach realising I was the only person who hadn't visited, I was the reason he was dead. I hadn't visited because I was selfish, I am selfish. I didn't have the guts to face him. I know that sounds stupid because he isn't really there, he can't see me or hear me. He's gone, he's underground an it's my fault.

"Kat? Hey girl on fire, you still with us?" Johanna clicked her fingers In front of my face.

"Yeah" I forced a smile.

"You don't have to come with us you know" Johanna lowered her voice, haymitch was abit in front of us. "I know you've not visited him"

"It's fine" I pushed myself forward.

"You sure? Because we're here"

I looked up to the steel gates with rows an rows of graves behind it, the sea behind them.

I pushed myself forward, threw the gate feeling like last nights alcohol an this mornings breakfast would make an appearance.

We walked for a while the smell of the sea burning my nostrils.

Haymitch seemed to stop at a white grave with "finnick James Odair , loving husband, father an friend" that's it 3 facts about him, my chest felt right making it hard to breathe.

Sobbing came from behind one of the trees near us. I held my hand up to Johanna an haymitch signalling I wanted to find Annie on my own.

I took a deep breath following the sobs, now there was two sets of sobs.

"Annie?" I asked my voice cracking more than I thought it was. Realising The second set of sobs were coming from me. I looked at Annie, she looked like the same mad girl from 4 years ago, the one who would stop speaking mid sentence. The one who would cover her ears an eyes when a flashback plowed into her memory. The one who finnick was so crazy in love with.

"Annie" I sobbed.

Annie seemed in a world of her own concentrating on her sobs.

"Annie" I repeated sobbing even more.

I finally got her attention, she looked up at me confused.

"Katniss?"

"Yeah Annie, it's me katniss" I sat next to Johanna under the tree.

"Hi" she tried to smiled but carried on sobbing. "I don't, I don't know what I'm doing" she threw her hands in the air. "I can't do this"

"You can't do what?" I sniffled.

"Act normal, act like this doesn't hurt me anymore, I don't think I can be a mum" she sobbed into her bridesmaid dress.

"Annie, you don't need to act normal none of us are normal, haymitch is a recovering alcoholic. Johanna doesn't know what's good for her until it bites her in the arse. Melissa is a sex addict an I'm messed up in the head" I gave a pathetic laugh. "You don't have to act like this doesn't hurt you it will always hurt you. It still hurts me an I wasn't married to finnick" I was sobbing even harder now.

"That doesn't mean you didn't love him as much as any of us. He used to tell me he saw you as his sister you know? He always wanted to protect you" Annie seemed to try an stop crying.

I smiled at her crumpled face, her hair damp from tears.

"I loved him too Annie, and don't you ever say you're not a good mum or you can't be a mum. You're amazing do you not get that?" I whipped the snot from my nose.

"You an peeta have Luca most of the time you're better parents to him then I can ever be" she turned away from me looking to the ocean.

"Annie we have him once a week you do everything else. So don't you ever say you can't so this you're already doing this. You've already done it, you're his mum Annie you will always be his mum"

Annie now looked at me.

"Thanks katniss, I needed that" she pulled me into a hug, my body shaking realising I was still sobbing.

"I'm ready to go" Annie said pulling away from the hug.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah" she smiled getting up.

"Okay" I got up too.

Annie grabbed my hand squeezing it tight.

We walked over to haymitch an Johanna who obviously heard everything we talked about but were pretending not to. All 4 of us walked out of the gates none of us wanting to turn back.