If You Could See Me Now

17

Maddy sat in the waiting room, feeling extremely helpless as the rest of the 12 team waited for anything. The longer they waited, the harder it got.

She'd already prepared herself to talk to Lukas if it was bad but that didn't mean she wanted to. She was not at all prepared to tell Lukas that at the young age of 2, he'd lost the only man to be an actual father to him. Not only was Lukas losing the importance of a father figure, but she was also losing the man that could be her husband.

The doctor came out with that look. She knew that look all too well. It was the same look Dr. Rhodes gave a family when he couldn't save their family member.

"No,"

"We tried everything we could. I'm sorry,"

"No. No. No. No. No," she repeated over and over again.

"No, no," Maddy mumbled in the middle of the night which ultimately woke Ryan up.

"Maddy," he mumbled, waking up a little bit more to see she was almost crying in her sleep, "Maddy wake up. It's a dream. Honey, wake up,"

Once he shook her a little bit, she was sucked out of nightmare city and right back to the bus.

"Hey, it's me. It's me, you okay?" He asked, pulling her right into him.

"I hate nightmares,"

"I know," he nodded, kissing her head.

"Sorry, I woke you up,"

"It's alright," he said as he wrapped his arms around her.

"How's your head?" She asked, sitting up and rubbing her face.

"Headache," he nodded a little, "eyes are a little messed up but that's expected,"

"I'll go get some Tylenol," she said as she got up and headed right out of the bedroom.

She got the Tylenol from the cabinet and took a minute to stand there and thank her lucky stars that it was all a dream.

"Mad?" Ryan called, noticing how long it was taking her to come back to bed.

"Yeah. Coming," she sighed, snapping out of the trance and grabbing the 2 pills and a water bottle before going back to the bedroom.

"Thanks," he said as he easily took the 2 pills and laid back down again.

"I'm gonna go watch Tv in the living room, call me if you need me. I'll be back later. Okay?"

"Mhm. I love you,"

She smiled a little and kissed him before she got up and headed out to the other room.

"Hey buddy," she sighed as she sat next to Sturgill on the couch. She pet him as she just stared at the TV. Nothing was taking her mind off the crash or the dream she'd just had, even though she'd reminded herself that it was just that. A dream.

She did everything she could to stop herself from crying but none of it worked as she grabbed her phone and headed outside. It was already 4 in the morning and she really just needed the only other man she could ever count on.

"Hello," he answered, figuring she needed to talk if she was calling him at 4 am.

"Dad I can't get it out of my head," she said as she sat right outside the bus on the pavement. "It's everywhere,"

"Maddy, do you think I can get the image of your mom after the explosion out of my head? It never leaves. You learn to live with it. You cope with it. I was terrified to let her go back to work and I watched her every move after. That was almost 11 years ago,"

"Do you still get scared?" She asked.

"Every day Maddy. Every day. It doesn't go away, honey. Like I said. You learn to live with it. I know this scares you, but you knew going in that there were going to be wrecks and he's going to be fine. Believe me on that," He told her, getting out of bed so he wouldn't wake Hailey up.

"I can't lose him. I just can't,"

"You're not going to Maddy. And Lukas is going to have a dad again. A better dad than Derek ever was,"

"Thanks, Dad,"

"Did you sleep?" He asked.

"Yeah, and I had a nightmare. Ryan woke me up, haven't slept since," she sighed, sniffling a little as she wiped a few tears. "I don't want to wake him up again,"

"I'm sure he would rather you wake him up than be sitting around crying. I know you're used to hiding it because of Derek but Ryan's not Derek," Jay told her, listening as the dam broke and all Maddy did was cry. "It's gonna be okay baby bug,"

"You haven't called me that in years,"

"Seemed fitting"

"I love you, Dad," she smiled a little.

"I love you too Madisyn,"

She sighed a little and hung up her phone, dropping it in her lap. She stayed outside as she watched the sunrise over the track and was really thankful they were going to be heading home.

She went back in at 7 and ended up just making breakfast for the 2 of them and something little for Lukas since her parents were dropping Lukas off soon.

"Smells good," Ryan mumbled from the bed.

"French toast is my specialty," she smiled a little, taking a plate in the bedroom to him. "You wanna eat in here? It's nice and dark,"

"Only if you will,"

"One second," she smiled, making herself a plate before going back in. "How you feeling?"

"Where'd you disappear to all morning?" He asked, "I rolled over and you weren't there,"

"I didn't want to wake you up again. I hung out with Sturgill all night,"

"Nightmare kept you up huh?" He asked, knowing her really well after the few months they'd been together.

"Yeah," she nodded, "I just never saw anything like that. And it's different seeing it on TV. Seeing it in person just. Terrified me,"

He nodded and just listened to her, letting her talk her feelings out.

"It's not gonna be easy," he nodded, "And obviously I try not to crash,"

"I know. It's just gonna take some getting used to," she told him with a little smile.

"We'll get there,"