Mimin || One Shots (Smut)

listen before i go.

This is a sad one shot.
No smut.
Inspired by the song
Listen before I go by Billie Eilish.
This song has a big meaning to me.
⚠️TW: suicidal thoughts, suicide.⚠️

The two women have been together since high school, they survived a lot together.
Though, Minnie never told her wife about her depression, she always hid it with a smile on her face and assuring her wife that everything is fine.

She had no motivation to go out for months even years now, she would rather stay home, sometimes Miyeon could hear her wife cry on her sleep or getting up late and walk into the bathroom and cry.

One time Miyeon knocked on the door and asked her wife if everything's fine or if she's alright.

The younger just hummed, her wife begging her to open the door though she denied and told her to go back to sleep cause everything is fine that she only read something online that made her cry.

Lying.

I'm not okay, I feel so scattered
Don't say I'm all that matters
Leave me
Deja vu

Minnie was even on antidepressants, Miyeon had no idea about that. She would rather act all happy and goofy to make her wife smile and happy Instead seeing her all worried and cry.

She doesn't know that the woman is crying every night whenever she falls asleep, the nights where she can't hold herself but harm herself with a knife she hid in her closet.

The suicidal thoughts she carries every day and night, how she could do it, what to write, how to say goodbye to her wife.

If you need me
Wanna see me
Better hurry
Cause I'm leaving soon.

Sorry can't save me now
Sorry I don't know how
Sorry, there's no way out

Minnie decided to put that song as her goodbye to her wife and friends.
Write a small note that she was never okay mentally yet was truly good by hiding her feelings and negative, scary thoughts.

How every night she had mental breakdowns but could keep it quiet, how well she could hid her scars on her thighs and arms, that she tried to overdose once but it ended up having problems with her stomach and throwing up blood for quite a while.

That she thought of hanging herself in her bathroom yet she didn't want her wife to see her in that state and leave her traumatized so she didn't and kept going with her shitty, depressing life.

Thinking she doesn't deserve any of this, she doesn't deserve Miyeon at all, her wife deserves someone who's happy and gives her everything since she can't give her anything. She stopped working because her mental health became worse and she became truly weak that she even smokes weed behind her wife's back.

Since her wife is now out working her ass off while Minnie is doing nothing but stays home.

She made a decision.
A truly bad one that will change everything and everyone.
Though, there was no one holding her back since no one knew.

Sorry there's no way out.
But down, mm down.

She took out a paper and grabbed her pen, she started writing her goodbye letter.

I'm not okay.
Don't say I'm all that matters.
Leave me.

Hey Miyeon,

probably you'll think this is a small game of mine to make you smile but the sad truth is.. that I'm gone.
  While you're reading this letter I'm probably dead. I decided to.. well.. how to say it nicely.. there's no words to say it nicely.. kill myself.
  You have done nothing wrong, it wasn't your fault of what happens next. I love you so much truly but you deserve someone better than me. I have been in depression for years, since college years but I couldn't tell you. I didn't have the guts to tell you, see you being worried about me and my well being, maybe it was truly egoistic but all I wanted to do was see you smile.
  I am sorry for leaving like this. I am so sorry. I can't handle this anymore, my thoughts have become my worst nightmare,  I barely can sleep now, I cry every night because I am so scared, I get many panic attacks when you're out there working and I get mental breakdowns every night you're sleeping.
  I have been harming myself but I was good at hiding them, that's one of the main reasons why I was wearing only shirts with long sleeves and jeans.
  Please, move on from me and be happy. Find someone who will be able to make you laugh and smile widely like I used to but better, okay?

your wife,
Nicha Yontararak

Call my friends and tell
Them that I love them
And I'll miss them
But I'm not sorry
Call my friends and tell them that I love them
And I'll miss them
Sorry

Minnie was staring down at the building, she was on the edge and took a deep breathe.

She was ready to leave.
She was ready to disappear once and for all.
She took one step on the air and fall.
While falling down, she was smiling with tears, she felt free.

I'm finally free from this suffering.
Minnie thinks to herself but my god, she left people who truly loved her yet she wasn't sure if they ever did.

Her wife read the note, she was a crying mess. She couldn't believe that she never recognized that Minnie needed help, she could've helped her if she once stayed in front of that door from the bathroom.

She could have saved her.

She's blaming herself now.
She's a horrible wife, how could she not see through Minnie's eyes?
She was in pain all along.

It's not your fault Miyeon.

- - - - - -
A/N: faking a smile is easier than explaining why you're sad.