Janet
"He's a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes, uh-oh
He's been tellin' lies
He's a lover boy at play
He don't play by the rules, uh-oh
Girl, don't play the fool, no" Tamar and I sang at the top of our lungs as I drove down the highway. We decided to go to Savannah to the beach.
"I love that song." said Tamar.
"Me too." She turned the radio down and looked at me.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I just want to think and talk a little bit."
"Okay. What's up?"
"I'm just trying to come to terms with the thought that Trey was just using me."
"I know. It was hard for me too when James did it."
"I thought he was the guy who helped you catch JohVonnie."
"He is, but it took time for me to trust and forgive him. He used me when I was young too. Except he used me for his ego."
"Ego?"
"Yeah. He liked me telling him how good he was."
"Ewww."
"I know. He used my love for sex versus the actual sex to benefit him."
"That's twisted."
"I know." It was silent.
"Did you ever lose a baby?"
"Yep. I've lost three."
"Three? How?"
"I had two miscarriages when I was with and I had an abortion with Rene."
"You had an abortion?" She was shocked.
"Yep. I was getting my first degree and I got pregnant. I was struggling with the option to keep it."
"Why didn't you?"
"Me getting pregnant brought out the racial issues with Rene's family. He refused to hold them accountable and I knew then that I couldn't have a child with him. Our child would've been half black and half Hispanic. I wasn't going to let its black side be diminished and Rene couldn't get with that."
"Wow."
"He was upset after I did but I had to remember that I wasn't married to him, we had broken up and he was abusive. I did the best thing for that baby."
"Hmmm."
"Tamar, I want you to know that the last thing I want to do is influence your decision on this baby, but I want you to think of yourself. Be selfish, this is the perfect time to be. You're 17 and young. Don't tie yourself to a man and a baby unless it's something you feel in your heart that tells you to."
"How do I know if it's my heart and not....you know?"
"Well, think about this. If he was unable to move and needed you to feed him, clothe him and bathe him, would you be able and happy to do it?" She twisted her face.
"Like if he pooped and stuff?"
"Yep."
"That's gross."
"Then that's how you know. Another way is thinking about their feet."
"Why?"
"If you get disgusted by touching everyone else's feet except his, then that could be an indication too." We laughed.
"Is that what you thought about with Toni?" My smile faded.
"Yeah." It was quiet.
"Janet, what's going on with you and Toni?" I sighed.
