Oh. My. Fate?! (BL, Volume 12, Part 1)

57 Not the Time to Decide

Xin Lan stared at the house in the distance with a subtle expression, not sure if he should be annoyed at his current self or his past self. Back then, he hadn't taken Hua Lin Yu to many places but somehow, it seemed that all the important ones had been part of their journey. There simply was no place he could visit that wouldn't hold some of his lover's traces.

He finally sighed and walked the rest of the distance to his house, his gaze unwittingly falling on the grave he had dug not too long ago. He had taken a lot of care and even used the bit of knowledge he had in this regard to plant some flowers around it. In the future, this grave should be a beautiful place. Right now though ... it was nothing but depressing.

His steps still led him over there without fail and he gazed at his lover's final resting place. The annoyance from before was gone without fail but in its stead, he only felt emptiness. This couldn't be called better.

He knelt down, his mind conjuring up the image of the youth whose body was lying in the jade coffin beneath that layer of earth. He still remembered his smile and those sparkling eyes that had gazed at him so softly in the past. All the moments they had spent together ... they were now firmly in the past, with no way to ever meet again.

He couldn't help but think of Qiu Ling whose lover had reincarnated for a trial before returning to who he had originally been. For those two, it really was luck. For him though ... Hua Lin Yu had ceased to exist and was now a person he had never cared for much. What was he supposed to do with that?

He raised his head to the sky and thought of Xiang Yu again, wondering if there was any chance of happiness there. In fact, Xiang Yu remembered his life as Hua Lin Yu so that time wasn't completely lost. It was just ... those memories were only a small part of his life now, completely overshadowed by the rest of what Xiang Yu had experienced. Thinking of that, it didn't seem possible to rekindle those feelings with him.

Of course, when it came to Xiang Yu, the much bigger hindrance was always the fact that he was a fallen god. He really didn't think himself to be timid but ... you didn't simply date a fallen god. You would have to be a total nutjob to even think about it.

He reached up and rubbed his forehead. In fact, maybe he had turned crazy. He might not be like the other dragons who were afflicted with Tian's curse and could only fall in love but he was a dragon nonetheless and their people had always had a bit of a possessive streak. Frankly, this was the heritage of their demon side. Even if nobody wanted to acknowledge it, it was there. They couldn't deny it. And someone like him from a time long past ... he was probably affected by that even worse than the young ones.

Xin Lan's gaze turned subtle again as he thought of his youth. When had he not been self-assured or even downright arrogant? There had never been a person he couldn't have or did not dare to pursue. In fact, he also knew that he had broken many hearts over the years but he had never cared. It had felt as if this should be a matter of course.

He had been born like this, uncursed, like somebody who did not belong among the dragons. Since this was the case, was it not his fate to follow this path and love freely? Why bind himself to a single person? Faithfulness ... it had seemed like an idiotic concept he did not need to care about.

Now, he felt like he had been severely slapped in the face. If he could turn back time and have the chance to be faithful to Hua Lin Yu for the rest of his life, he wouldn't hesitate to do it. Unfortunately, what he desired couldn't be given to him. At most, there could be a small chance to find a trace of Hua Lin Yu's existence in Xiang Yu but ... he didn't know if he had the courage. Yes, even he who feared nothing else, wasn't sure if it was a good idea to even think about this.

His mind flashed back to Jinde's words of how Xiang Yu might have some feelings and had subsequently changed his behavior toward him. It seemed true if he reflected how Xiang Yu had acted recently but ... fallen gods were usually not in their right mind. Who knew what would set them off? Even if he tried, was there any chance to find happiness with each other?

One of them was a child with a shattered soul who could not grow any longer and was likely deeply traumatized by whatever had happened because of his past trial. The other was an old dragon who was frankly tired of life but wanted to find that last hint of sweetness before all of it was over. The two of them ... really didn't seem to match.

Xin Lan sighed and glanced at the grave in front of him again before getting to his feet. Anyway, he couldn't bring Hua Lin Yu back from the dead so he could only move on. Whether that meant being alone, being with Xiang Yu, or being with somebody else entirely ... he didn't know. He didn't need to decide right now either.

In fact, it might be better to wait until the other matters regarding the people around him had been taken care of. Yes, after the crown prince of the Nine Heavens was found and Jinde's child was born, then he could think about himself.

Making up his mind, he finally walked into the house to rest for a while before he returned. As a result ... he found Xiang Yu lying quietly in the main room as if he hadn't suddenly vanished two days ago without a word to anyone.