Oh. My. Fate?! (BL, Volume 12, Part 1)

133 His Past Put Into Words

It took Qiu Ling a long time to finally find the words to express what he felt at this moment. But even though it was difficult, he also knew that he could not give up and stay quiet. After all, he had done so for much too long.

He quietly pondered from this side and that, thinking long enough that even Jing He who had been restless finally fell asleep again. Only in the middle of the night when both palaces had long fallen silent did Qiu Ling move again

[I suppose I owe you many explanations. It is difficult for me to find a good way to begin though. Sometimes, when you have kept something to yourself for too long, finally saying the words out loud or pinning them on paper will feel even more difficult. After all, every day that you haven't said a word about them feels like a lie. And yes, I suppose I have lived a lie and pulled you into that lie as well.]

Qiu Ling sighed but forced himself to continue writing. He owed Jing He this and even though he had resolved to tell him long ago, he had failed to do so when the time was there. Who knew if he would when they saw each other the next time?

This way seemed to be better. He could slowly sort out his thoughts and feelings, put them into words and change them until he was satisfied. Finally, all that was left to do was to hand this letter to Jing He after he returned. Surely, he could do that much. Yes, he would not falter when the day arrived. But that also meant that he could not stop halfway through writing this letter. With another deep breath, the brush descended to add the next line of words.

[I have tried to tell you before but when the time came, I shied away. It is not that I didn't want you to know. I did. You have to believe me there. It is just that I was afraid. I feared that you could not look past my heritage and that this would widen the gap between us that me being a dragon and you being a god originally created.]

To be honest, Jing He's father had a not negligible part in that but ... this really wasn't the time to bring that up. Not after he wrote earlier that he wanted to make his father let go of his preconceived notions of him. He took a deep breath and forced himself to focus on the actual issue.

[I know I was wrong. You deserved to know. Not just before the two of us get married but even before our engagement. When I asked you to marry me the last time, I should have told you before then. I am sorry that I didn't. My fear is no excuse from taking the decision from you whether you can live with being married to a person with demon blood.]

Before he knew it, Qiu Ling once again lowered the brush. This wasn't easy for him to put in writing. In fact, as soon as the word 'demon' was put on paper, his heart started to race and he had the urge to look at the door and windows to make sure that nobody else could see. But ... he knew that he had to do this. He had to confess and since he couldn't do it in person, it had to be like this.

He closed his eyes and took another deep breath to calm down. Just once. Just one time, he would put it all out there. He was doing so for his beloved and for the sake of their future. He had to.

[I failed you in this regard and I am sorry for that. I can't make up for it either as the past is already in the past. No matter what I do or say now, it can't bring back the time when I should have told you this. I can only ensure that you know everything you should know in the way that you should have. Even if it may be late, I hope that you will feel reassured being told all of this by myself.]

Looking up, Jing He was still asleep. He watched him for a moment, thinking back to the time he had once blurted out part of the truth while Jing He slept next to him. He tried to find that feeling again and finally lowered his head, putting all of his past into words just as he should have done long ago.

[I have told you before that my father was the previous king's right-hand man. The truth is — and I am not sure if I have admitted to this in front of you — that he loved him deeply as well. In my father's life, I believe there was nobody more important than Jinde. Such is the way of the dragons but it is also our greatest weakness.

Demon king Jian Heng preyed on them and he managed to separate them through a ploy. I do not know all of the details. I only know that he sent a woman to the dragon realm who went by the name of Biao Han.

Frankly, I am not sure if that is her real name. I do not know where she came from either. I only know that she loved that demon king and was willing to do anything for him. That, too, is the way of the dragons, I presume. We tend to do things to an extreme degree when it comes to the one we love, regardless of what it means for us.

I have seen this in myself and it has made me feel afraid because this kind of deep love, is it not also an obsession? Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if we differ all that much from the demons. But, of course, this is not a thought that can be spoken out loud.]