How Could I Ever [SunSun] ✓

[12] Idiocy

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"...I can't see myself with anyone but him... and I can barely even see myself with him anymore..."

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[Sunghoon]

"Why is he there sitting next to my beloved Sunoo?" I whined to Heesung as soon as we got in the line. I tried keeping my good boy pants on but I wanted to tell him to fucking move. "They were sitting so close..." I sighed and shook my head as the image played in my head again. Then my mind started wandering to possibilities that I don't want to be thinking of.

"Don't mean to sound like a dick, but I told you so," he said and shrugged. I sighed. "Look man," he grabbed our ice cream and I grabbed our spoons. "He's gonna get over you eventually if you keep acting like this. And by the looks of it that won't be hard for him." He stopped by the napkins and grabbed a few. "He's a cute boy, and he's charismatic. It's not hard to fall for him as you obviously know."

I didn't respond. By time I would've, we'd be at the table and I wouldn't finish anyway. When Riki saw us, he scooted over and smiled sweetly at Heesung. We sat by him. "Hey Hyungie!" He said excitedly. "You wanna bite?"

He blushed a little and let Riki feed him. "Wow," he exclaimed as his face lit up. "It's really good, Ri."

"Ri? Since when are you guys close enough for you to call him that?" He asked with an eyebrow raised. He crossed his arms and started staring the two of them down. I forgot he didn't know. "Did I miss something...?"

Riki froze, but Heesung stayed nonchalant. What a dynamic they have. "Hyung, what are you talking about?" Riki asked nervously and took a sip of his boba. "Heesung Hyung and I are good friends like we all are."

Sunoo glanced at me and it seemed like it killed his whole mood. Damn, I guess I do suck. "I guess so," he mumbled out.

Riki and Heesung both have me pleading looks. I knew I had to say something—anything. But what? It's so tense with awkwardness that I feel my brain circuiting out. "Since we're that close we should... have another group outing. We haven't had one in a while!" I forced a smile to my face and tried to read his expression. It's so blank.

Then he frowned. "Why are you even here? If you couldn't tell, I don't wanna talk to you." He kept his eyes down. "I already told you that we're just not working out. I feel like such an outsider compared to the other people you talk to. So can you stop acting like there's nothing wrong? You're brushing off my feelings and I don't like that..." he glanced at Jay, and he got up to let him out.

I was frozen, and before I could pull myself together to react, Jay was already rushing to his side. I sighed and dropped my head like a dog. "This blows," I mumbled to myself.

"I knew this wasn't a good idea..." Riki spoke out nervously. "I think I should go too. I'm sorry Hyungie, but I'll talk to you soon, 'kay?" Even in his upset mood he still managed to talk to cutely to Heesung, and even gave him a small kiss on the cheek before we both got up to let him out. "I'll text you as soon as Sunoo Hyung feels better!" He ensured as he scurried off.

Heesung hummed and waved. He watched until Riki was out of sight, then he looked at me with a frown. "I'm sorry, man. I didn't think he'd react like this and I don't think Riki did either... I don't know if it's really a good idea to keep pressing."

The image of Jay leaving with him kept playing in my mind and my eyes started watering. Am I about to cry? I blinked my tears away as much as I could, but they still lingered. "I guess," is all I could muster up to say.

"Let's just head out," he said softly and rested his hand on my shoulder. I looked at him and he gave me such a sweet smile. But for some reason his sympathy made me feel even worse.

I looked down at the floor again as we began to walk, letting my hair fall into my face. Letting go of Sunoo? Can I really do it? I've tried for this long, but I never got anywhere. If not him, then who? I can't see myself with anyone but him... and I can barely even see myself with him anymore.

But maybe this is good. Maybe Jay is good for him, better for him than I'd ever be. He probably has more free time and he seems like such an amazing guy. He's handsome too—there's a special charm to him. I should've just listened and backed off when he asked me to. I don't wanna make him upset. Or more upset I guess. Maybe this was better as a loving from afar situation to begin with, but I got greedy and wanted more. That's where I went wrong. It should've stayed a high school crush, and I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Especially not with the way I went about everything.

"I'm an idiot," I mumbled out to myself as we got into the taxi Heesung had snagged. I frowned.

He looked at me and patted my head. "It's okay to be stupid sometimes, and it's okay to make mistakes. That doesn't make you a good or bad person, it's how you respond and treat it after that makes you an idiot or a bad person. If you don't learn anything, you're an idiot. And if you make the wrong decision knowingly, then you're a bad person. If you do both, then you're just a bastard," he explained to me gently. "And we both know my Sunghoon isn't a bastard or a bad person. Maybe a little bit of an idiot, but you are a good person."

I scoffed and leaned into his touch with a small smile. "I just don't know what to do now..." I admitted. "I don't know what's right or wrong now. Should I back off? Or should I be honest with him first? Or... does none of that even matter now? He might be better off with Jay, Hyung."

He sucked his teeth a little and leaned his face closer to mine. He rested his hand on my shoulder. "You know the answer, I know you do. You know Sunoo very well, as do I. Instead of asking yourself if he'll be better off with Jay, ask yourself why you're so insecure. What are you scared of, Sunghoon?"

My heart started pounding. He just called me out and did it so casually. Am I really scared? Scared... "that he won't feel the same once he knows what type of person I really am." That's it then, huh?

Heesung frowned. "And what type of person is that? I think you're great, and I live with you."

I frowned. "What if I'm not what he really wanted? What if I'm not as good as he expects me to be...? I'm more of a loser than anything, Hyung."

"You'll never know if you don't try."

Damn you Hyung, being right all the time and making me acknowledge my feelings.

"I'll try again, and I'll do it right this time." I nodded. "I'll be honest, and I'll stop hiding."

He smiled. "That's my boy."

I promise I'll do it right this time, my dear Sunny.

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okay Sunghoon redemption ;P

HELP BECAUSE WHY DID IT TAKE HIM SO LONG TO REALIZE THAT MAYBE HE'S SLIGHTLY THE ISSUE LMAO