when i dreamt you up
you had green love
the kind that heals all
the kind that felt powdery and pink
when i was to fall
the fall was easy with you
comfortably spiraling
my second love
i miss you more than you will ever know
the anxiety eats me up so
i guess i'll just die
nah that's not right
i hope everything is as dumb as i think it is
but i got a bad feeling in my chest
and a sick tummy
i hate this feeling
the feeling right before your heart breaks
right before bad news
right before you find out who
right before they lie
i don't think you understand how i'd give anything to hide in your arms
even if it was just for one night
you were and still are my safe place
my home
my heaven on earth
the love i cannot retrace
i find you in everything
but found you in no one
you are one of a kind
you are the most kind man i've ever known
i wish and wish and wish until i give up and give in
i wanted you happy
and if your happy is without me
please
don't feel bad for my cramping chest
never mind my anxiety feeling more like cardiac arrest
it hurts and bruises my soul
my soul that was orange
your love that was green
it would always take over me
but in some weird way our silly little colors would sometimes make gold
i sleep in that gold
i breathe for that gold
i've died for it
i fell apart and cried for it
the gold that i begged that you should never take away
my heart in your hands forever
how could it not be safe?
it was no mistake
i loved you with all i had
and i could still give you more
i learned that there is always more to do
i learned that by losing you
i learned how to love and care for someone self-destructive and self-conscious too
i understand why you left me
now i'm ready for you
but you are already gone
it's been three years too long
i'm still waiting for you under the moon
i'm still praying up to God thanking him for you
you were the sun
you were everything i had ever wanted and needed all combined into one
i just didn't appreciate it as much
not until it threatened the very way i live
not until it wasn't talk of kids
it was talk of when
we would stop talking forever
and let go alone and not together
how i tried to replace you
to fill the void you built in me
the gold that we made
courses through my veins
and i stabbed myself that day
and let myself bleed
i always wonder what you would think
of the ways another man had mistreated me
he touched me when i said no
he cheated and left me alone
he laughed and taunted the things that hurt me
he became like my dad
right in front of me
i am being abused
what do you think?
i wish i could ask you
i could post this easily
i wonder if you still follow me
i wouldn't have to worry about him seeing this
he doesn't read my poetry
nobody does nowadays
i feel lost in time
like i am easy to erase and replace
i pray that you truly are happy with her
because i would have broken my bones just to be her
she's so lucky
i hope she knows
i hope you both know
that love is something green from you
and if you find someone sweet like tangerine
you may make gold someday
