this is for my old friend
autumn in the spring
spring is my favorite
& you used to be my favorite thing
when i hear your name
there's a pang
of a thousand memories
that i can't change
i don't think you know how sorry i was
and still am
you changed me
you made me
afraid
you made me terrified
so i'm sorry, still to this day i am haunted
that i will hurt someone
like i hurt you
that i will make someone just hate me
and leave me forever
that they won't want to see us together
that all roads will point left
that all mouths have nothing better to do but gossip
i would say i wish you never thought of me
but i know you do
all bad things
but i self destruct when i think of you
mention your name
or have the explain to every friend
every boyfriend
every soul i want to connect with
that i just can't
i can't get too close
because i can't
there's no reasoning
i just can't
you broke that in me
i ruin everything
but that's probably what you wanted me to see
that i'm no good
ever
right?
i've never been good ever
never wiped your tears
never made you happy
never wished you well
never called and talked for hours
never stayed up just to hear you breathe
because your presence was enough old friend
it was enough to calm me
and you brought me home
because i made a home in your arms
you were my home
and after it's done
and gone
it had to be my fault
but you insisted it wasn't
you couldn't say why
i saw nobody in your eyes
and nothing has ever hurt more than to lose you
and fight with you like that
i would've given up every relationship i had for you
would you?
i would've happily never kissed
never laid
never made
any love with anyone
if i could've kept you as a friend
you don't get that
maybe i'm flawed
maybe the moments meant so much more to me than they did to you
but i didn't know who i was without you
i was lost and i needed to lose you
i had to learn one way or another
i learned
but still
i miss you
i miss you even though you hate me
and talk bad about me
i miss you because i heard you weren't there anymore
i heard you changed
but i miss the girl i knew
in her orange room
and her silly laugh
funny alarm clock
and my bad insults towards you never helped
i was a major bitch
so i numb my miss
i don't deserve to miss you
i settle in the coldest way
i don't deserve to miss who i knew
because i mistreated you
but i've grown up
and i know she
she would be proud of me
i don't know about present tense you
but i know the you from before
would be jumping up and down for me
she would be running and laughing head first towards me
she would be so surprised
so shocked that i survived
she would have no clue
that you and i
would end up this way
she would be angry too
she would be mad at me
maybe mad at you
because i thought i knew you
i thought i knew you more than anyone
you promised me
and now i don't believe in those anymore
i don't believe in best friends anymore
i don't like using the word
because best friends means an end and i can't have that be again
i can never get too close autumn
i'll never get to close again
i'll never do it again
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm just 23
and crying for an old friend
it's strange i know
but still stands
losing you
was the worst thing i've ever felt
but i deserved to feel it
because it meant
at some point
i had made you feel the same sour feeling
enough to lose me forever
enough to hate me even
please don't
please don't hate me
i always think of you in a good way
you hurt me so much but it doesn't even matter okay?
my feelings, emotions, none of that
never mind that
it's you who i hurt
you matter
i'll never not feel sorry
and i'm sorry you couldn't wait for me to change or grow up
i'm sorry my growing pains weren't grown up enough
but in the end
i thank you
because without you
i wouldn't know what kindness is
and i use that kindness every day
i'm careful with the words i say
and i don't take people for granted
and i try my best to be empathetic
and not to judge
i learned so much
that i wouldn't have learned if i hadn't lost you
it had to be forever
this lesson will last until i die
because i had to learn how to be kind
i had to die
i had to die
i'm okay
i'm okay
i'm going to find my home in me
my autumn in spring
