swimming
on one of my worst days
i found you in the darkness
it was you that i loved
all along it was you
i tried to love someone else like how i loved you
but they didn't do what you did
they didn't make me think of someone who
was good
because they weren't good at all
i tried to patch the toxicity with the happy dates
but even the photos you see online when we smile
i probably cried that day
not because of any sad memory of bodily mistake
because he yelled and screamed at me
called me names and made me feel unseen
made my words feel like they were nothing
made me feel like i was nobody
he would love bomb me
he would try to make me feel so small
but my body refused
i am not small
i am strong
i am what you said i was
so i listened to 2009 and i let you take me home again
i laid in your arms and i died
i died with him
but with you i lived
God sent you to me
you were heavens gift
your smile
your words
your heart
your love alone could fuel me for years to come
i never needed anyone else to attempt to love
i am still in love
my heart is in your hands forever
i don't care if we're not together
it's the sad way my trauma works
it's the way i cope
I hate that word
please don't say it like it's strange
i cope with the abuse
i cope with the pain
i cope with the
i cope with the mistake
of letting someone else in
when i had only ever promised to love you
from back then
till now
till forever
until i'm gone
is what you said
i sure hope that's true
because a day hasn't passed that i haven't loved you
your love is special
your love made me believe there was a God watching over me
your love soothed
your love changed me
and i refuse
i refuse
i refuse
to let a man take away
all that you gave
your love still gives
i miss you today
i wish i could hide away in your arms
i wish i could talk to you all day
i wish i could ask you about the music you make
i wish i could tell you how happy i am that you found someone good
because me?
i only ever found burning leaves
fuel to my toxic fires
i only ever found men who saw me physically and never within
maybe it's my fault
yeah that's the pain i've been coping with
it's not my fault
he's just that bad of a kid
that he lead me to believe that the sun he placed on my skin was my fault
i'm hiding in your arms again
i curl up like a baby and sob
i hold onto your arms
i feel you
i feel you loving me from way back then
in the present tense
i feel you loving me and i'm okay again
it was never the romance that made me feel better
it was the love in your eyes
the love that you had
you truly loved me
now i know how special that is
