Unbroken Souls (Spencer Reid x Reader POV)

Chapter 14

A/N: So sorry this chapter is short and a little out of place, I promise it will come back in an important way, but I also wanted to use this chapter to give you more insight into the character of Charlotte.

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There's this thing I do (mainly because I'm shit at keeping a journal despite the benefits it does bring me in this job) that I call scraps of the brain. Essentially, I write down my fears, anxieties, joys, victories, and other negative and positive things that keep me up at night. I usually use one of my many notepads scattered around my house, office, or car, and then I put these notes into a photo box that I keep in my closet. I also write exclusively in pen, but I have a heavy hand when I write and sometimes the words transfer to the second or third page under the scrap I'm writing. So why am I bringing this up?

The other night I woke up in a cold sweat, nearly gasping for breath. This nightmare of mine was a reprise of a nightmare the evening before, and it flooded my head with questions and fears since the first appearance. I've accepted that I am insecure, and it's something I work on... but with such a perfectly brilliant and handsome man such as Spencer, these insecurities became too much. So I jotted down the thoughts and put them in my bin. The note reads as follows:

Am I enough for you? Now? Tomorrow? A year from now? Years down the line? Will you still want me when the newness wears off and all you're left with is the person I am? What happens on the day you wake up and realize that in order to be with me, you're settling? You're settling for the less smart, less pretty, less charming girl on the playground, and not the queen you truly are worthy of. I'm scared I'm just your alibi, a fleeting moment like a shooting star across the dark sky, a train track with no station to call home.

So then what happens to me when I'm left behind again? You'll get to move on with the right girl who matches your intellect, charm, and beauty, all while making you happier than you've ever been before... but me? I'll be where you left me, collecting dust and knowing that I was lucky to have even had a moment with you. Now that I've known the touch, the smell, the taste of you... I'm terrified of these senses becoming a stranger. I'm sure that that would be a wound that time couldn't heal at all. Thomas Merton once said, "Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone — we find it within another". Please don't let this be a short taste of destiny, but rather make it eternal if this feeling is as true for him as it is for me.

I ripped the page out of my notebook and was able to fall back asleep after a while, putting these fears to rest once they left the tip of my pen.