Unbroken Souls (Spencer Reid x Reader POV)

Chapter 43

We visited Diana the next day as promised, and I kept her busy talking about when she was pregnant with Spencer and what he was like as a baby so Spencer could talk with her doctor. We said our final goodbyes for now and Spencer promised he would send a copy of each new scan we got of our little pea with his letters. We got in the car and started driving to the airport, an eerie silence falling between us. His eyebrows furrowed together and his eyes, while deeply concentrated on driving, seemed frustrated. I reached over the center console and touched his shoulder lightly, his muscles jumping underneath my hand as though I had startled him.

"What's going on up there?" I asked him, lightly rustling his hair.

"They changed her medications and didn't tell me. It caused her to get worse. I just don't like that they do these things without consulting me... I know her best, and I know what works" he let out a frustrated sigh, I can't say I blame him.

"That sounds really hard, have they done this before?" I asked, realizing I genuinely didn't know how much he oversaw his mother's medication regime.

"The last time they did this she hurt herself pretty badly. I've been trying to check in on her file at least once a week but I guess between cases it slipped my mind" he said softly, his voice riddled with guilt.

"You do a lot, Spence. You can't blame yourself. And you caught it early, so in a few days things should be better, right?" I asked.

"Yeah" he muttered as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel. I let the silence fall between us again, focusing on the scenery out the window as he drove. After a few minutes, he cleared his throat and put his hand on my thigh.

"So, seeing as we have two extra days there are two options for what we can do at the airport" he said. I tried to read the emotions behind his eyes but I'm no profiler, and I knew he could tell I was trying to profile him.

"What?" I asked confused. How are there two options at an airport, go home or stay?

"You told me before we left that you imagined how your mom and sister would react to this news. I didn't know if it would be overstepping, but if you want I thought we could go and visit them. You know how much I love you, and if you'd let me I want to know and love your memories from childhood including where you grew up. But if that's not something you're ready to–"

"That's a scary but really good idea" I cut him off, trying to pull my gaze to his but finding it hard as I knew he would see all the thoughts racing through my brain.

"What part of it is scary?" He asked lovingly. He looked at me softly and gently, with nothing but care and openness in his eyes. I could see that he wanted to ask more questions and really understand what was going on in my head, but he was biting his tongue and keeping quiet so I could share as much or as little as I wanted. He took my hand in his and squeezed ever so gently, and with a deep breath, I decided to tell him almost everything going on in my head.

"I haven't visited my mom and sister since I moved to DC a year before starting at the FBI. Maybe I was just trying to convince myself that trauma was behind me, or that if I left well enough alone they would find some peace and subsequently I could too. Maybe it's because of the guilt I carry for giving up on my dad and leaving him. But I couldn't do it anymore– I– I tried but every corner I turned it's like their ghosts were just out of arms reach. I couldn't take the constant fighting with my dad about his addiction, I couldn't keep going through the cycle of trying to help him and him giving up on treatment only after one night at the facility, then coming back to blame me and tell me it should have been me. I carry that guilt every time I think of looking back home... the guilt that I was able to walk away from my purgatory but they are all stuck in theirs. And now, I feel guilty for being happy– like truly happy with the man that I love, a job I am proud of and now–" I trailed off gesturing to my belly that hadn't yet started showing a bump. I could feel him searching for what to say next as he let the silence hold for a moment.

"When we closed your sister's case, you told me during our time off that you finally felt like she had some closure... not closure for her as you felt she had accepted and come to peace with what happened, but closure for you. So you could finally let go of the pain and guilt and live the life she wanted you to live. I think that wherever she is now, she would be happy to see your happiness. But if that isn't something you want to do or something you want to do alone, then I absolutely understand" he looked at me and I could see a twinge of anxiety in his eyes, as though he was afraid he overstepped or that I would be mad.

"Spence–" I trailed off as I wracked my brain for the right words to say; my heart ached in the best way, the kind of way where you love someone so much that it hurts, and I felt tears pricking at my eyes. "I really don't understand what I did right to ever deserve to be loved the way you love me, and never was I able to comprehend the desire to let someone into your life so intimately that even showing them the scary and dark parts became less daunting... but then I learned what it felt like to be loved by you. And that is something I will cherish until the end of time and whatever happens after that. I know my mom and sister would love you, and if the darkest parts of my life have yet to send you running, then I want to show you the important pieces of my childhood". He came to a stop at the red light and looked over at me, staring into my eyes and soul. His tongue darted out, wetting his lips before he brought his hands to either side of my face and pulled me in, our lips colliding in passion and desire, leaving us both gasping for air when the car behind us honked to indicate the light had turned green.

"Charlotte, nothing could ever make me walk away from you, or the life we're making together. I need you to know that" he said matter-of-factly, squeezing my hand as our fingers interlaced together.

"I do, Spence. I know" I said softly.

We had gotten on a plane to my home state of Illinois, Spencer planned ahead and packed warmer clothing in the bottom of his bag in case we did decide to go to my childhood hometown. As we exited the plane, we could feel the crisp late November air through the skyway. Spencer insisted I stay bundled up as he wrapped a scarf around me, despite the fact I was used to the cold and he, being from Nevada, was the one who wasn't as accustomed to this kind of weather. We picked up another rental car, this time I drove and we headed to a hotel that was relatively close to my hometown. I grew up on the outskirts of Chicago, enough that my sister and I stayed relatively sheltered from the crime and violence that Chicago suffered, but not country enough that we didn't have things to do and places to go after school. We settled into the hotel room and ordered in for the night. After finishing dinner and showering, we both cozied up in each other's arms under the covers, our bodies sharing heat as I nuzzled my head in the crook of his neck, his arm around my shoulder and his hand gently rubbing my bicep as he held me tightly.

"So I thought that we should expose our little pea to all the classics early" he said, and I couldn't help but stifle a laugh.

"What are you talking about?" A smile spread across my face as amusement rang through my voice.

"Well, fetal development at this stage is primarily the cell division and formation of the eyes, nose, mouth, other facial features, and the brain. While a developing fetus won't be able to hear sounds until roughly 14 gestational weeks, engaging in activities together that are for and include the fetus is not only beneficial for development but also for parental bonding". He paused and I looked up at him, my interested gaze sparked him to continue. "So I think for the benefit of our bonds and our little pea's development, I brought two classic books that every kid should know" he said as he rose from the bed and ruffled through his bag, turning around to reveal the first book of the Lord of The Rings series, a sweet and innocent smile spreading across his face which caused me to do the same. I motioned for him to come back to me with the book, and he scurried back to his previous resting place next to me.

"Will you read to us?" I asked as he settled in, rubbing my lower stomach playfully. He leaned in and kissed me, then bent down and placed a soft kiss on my belly. He proceeded to read to me until I fell asleep, never once letting go of me.