Her, My Husband

CHAPTER 22

FREEN

Going home has always been my catalyst. The place has always been my sanctuary, a place where my happiness lies but now it's the opposite. All I feel is sorrow, pain and regret. I am happy to finally see my family again, it has been a long time since we had the time to get together after all, but the tightening in my chest just won't go away. For the last two months I tried and did my best to keep distance from her, but the pain simply multiplied.

I felt guilty when Fah got into a coma because of the accident that night and I lived with it for an entire year but that guilt is nowhere near in comparison to the guilt that I'm feeling right now as I remember the pain and agony that I've caused her. She didn't deserve to be in this kind of a situation, to be in this kind of mess. I should have kept my distance from the very beginning and kept my feelings all to myself. At least by doing that I would be the only one having a hard time. Just the thought of her crying because of my actions and wrong decisions is enough for my heart to break into millions of pieces. 

I want to go away somewhere far away, somewhere where no one knows me, somewhere where I can be by myself and no longer hurt anyone but I can't. I have to face the consequences of my actions. My heart is feeling heavy but I can't break down. Not ever.

"We're here, sir" the driver told me. That's right, I'm still Fah as of the moment. He will go to this house soon but it will be for the reason of having a secluded place to recuperate. He can walk now but he's still nowhere near ready to show himself in public. 

As soon as I took my first step out of the car and into the drive way, I already readied myself to let go. I know that it's want I need to do right now. Gathering enough courage, I finally entered the house. Looking around made me realize just how big it was. When we were here together, it felt so warm, cozy and homey but now it only felt cold and empty. Every corner of this place reminds me so much of her that it's making my resolve to quiver but I can't let that happen. I clenched my fists so hard as I try and once again steel my resolve. I proceeded on walking through the house, trying to reminisce and relive our memories for the last time. 

I entered her room and was welcomed by the colors that contradicts the aesthetic of the house. It's full of life, bubbly and vibrant, just like her. Her smell still lingers in the air as I inhaled, making me want to cry but I kept it inside.

I sat down on her bed as I pull out an envelope from my inner pocket. It's the very same one that I bought from the airport. I tried to write during the flight but I just couldn't do it. I took out the paper inside and tried writing on it again and this time, the words just kept on pouring out. I never got to explain to her all the things that happened, I never gave her a heads up of what's about to happen. I was selfish and kept her in the dark. I never told her how I truly felt for her, I never told her how important she is to me and I am hoping that through this letter I could somehow make up for it. I know that doing this will never be enough to consider as an apology but it's still better than none. I honestly want to go to her and explain but I don't trust myself enough to know that I will not do anything stupid and make things worse than it already is. 

I placed the letter back inside the envelope neatly. I didn't even know that I was crying until a tear dropped from my eyes to my hand that was still writing her name on the envelope. I quickly wiped away my tears and stopped myself from crying.

As soon as I placed the letter inside her closet, I went back to the car and left the place. I wanted to stay a little longer but I know that people will start coming soon. The staff has already been placed somewhere else so the new ones will be arriving within the day and I cannot be discovered by them.