The Daddy Club | 5sos au

Love

Becca

I hate myself. How could I do this to Talia? How could I let Jamie back in her life, never mind my own? If I was by myself then yeah, maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself, but because of Talia I actually hate myself. I should never have done this. I shouldn't have agreed to go pick up Jamie and I shouldn't have let him stay last night. I should have dropped im off at his brother's and came back to Talia and Calum.

If... when Calum finds out he is going to go crazy. He'll start talking about custody battles again and begin all that again. We're finally making progress. I was letting Calum watch over her by himself and now I wanted to fell Talia who he was. I wanted her to know she was just like all her friends an had a dad who loved her and was there for her. She wasn't different from her friends and Jamie wasn't the only father figure she would have.

Of course Talia knows Jamie isn't her dad. I would never tell her that. He's been around since she was 6 months old. That's when we first met. It wasn't romantic or beautiful. It was my first night out since I found out about Talia. I met Jamie at a club, we talked, we danced, then we fucked. Eventually we kept on meeting up afterwards which I didn't think was going to happen. I thought once that night was over it was over. But he left me his number and I called. We went on a date and I told him about Talia. I expected him to go running but he told me he would like to meet her. Everything afterwards just fell into place. For the next 6 months everything was good. I thought this was it. He was the guy and he would be there for Talia and I, not Calum. Not Calum but Jamie.

Hell, was I wrong.

He's not a bad guy, he's just not a particularly good one. He likes to drink which I guess I get because he is 21 and young but he also promised to be like Talia's dad and now I can't help but making comparisons to him and Calum.

Right now Jamie seems completely flawed and awful, but Calum seems sweet and genuine. I can bet though if Calum and I were to get back together he would be like the Calum from my past again, like Jamie now. I always go for assholes.

Did I actually just contemplate dating Calum again?

I'm never going back. That isn't going to happen again. For Godsake Becca, I must be crazy.

"Mama," Talia whines from the back seat as I drive.

"Uh, yeah?" I look at her in the mirror and snap out of my thoughts.

"When do I see Calmum again?" Talia seemed sad. She had really latched onto Calum and it's because of Jamie.

I was worried it would happen as soon as she saw him. She would see Calum with me and with everyone else and think that he is the new Jamie. Talia and I were both used to Jamie leaving our lives for a week or so then coming back with gifts to make it up to us. He liked to make sure we all knew how sorry he was and how much he missed us. Last night when I picked him up drunk he promised me the moon and Talia could get the stars. Stupid fuck, but he loves us, he tells us that.

"Did you like staying with him?" I ask.

Talia nods her head enthusiastically and smiles widely showing me her teeth.

"Would you stay with him again?" I ask her not knowing if she fully understands the question.

"Yes!" She squeals and laughs but then suddenly stops. "But you too. Not just Cal."

"Yes, you would still stay with me." This conversation was too difficult for Talia to understand. If had to be. She was only two and I was trying to work out when Calum would get to see her, with her.

"Calmum, me and mama." Talia says contently.

"Wait," I park the car up on the curb outside my building and turn around in my seat to face my daughter. "But not together."