🌅 TMF Dump Book 🌌 (Lander)

21. | What's Wrong With Me?

TW: Mentioned abandonment, self worth problems, mentioned self injury

Theme: Angst (Some fluff ig 🤷‍♀️)

Zander was currently sitting on a chair in his doctor's office while his mother and doctor talked outside. This wasn't something uncommon that would happen, considering he's been having more frequent doctor visits the past few months, something that was actually quite nerve racking to him. For some reason, he felt insecure in the fact that people he didn't know very well knew about his problems regarding his mental conditions and past. Even though they were trying to help, he felt almost embarrassed and ashamed about it. Like he was making a big deal out of nothing.

Zander nervously played with the skin along his finger nails, picking and biting at it as he moved his wheely chair from side to side. He had just gotten a brain scan a week ago after his mother had had enough of Zander telling her that he was fine. He knew he was unintentionally making it quite obvious something was wrong, but he really didn't want to have to go through all of the effort to fix what was broken. In fact, he had no idea what they were scanning him for or what they were looking for exactly. His phycologist also had him fill out a long questionnaire of how he was feeling, and the intensity of his emotions. He had lied on a few here and there about how severe it was, but he only did it so his poor mother wouldn't worry too much about him. He didn't feel like he was worth enough to have people worry about him.

Suddenly he heard a knock on the door, hearing it click open. His doctor and mother walked in the room. Shannon sniffled, taking a tissue out of her bag and gently wiped her eyes with it as she sat down on a cushioned chair.That's not a good sign...he thought to himself as he observed his mother, taking a deep breath as his doctor sat across from him in her chair.

"So, Zander...your results came back," She started sweetly, placing her dark hands in her lap as her hazel eyes locked onto Zander's. Zander took in another deep breath, exhaling shakily, awaiting this dreaded conversation.

"It looks like you've been diagnosed with BPD. Do you know what that is?"

Zander sat quiet for a moment as his mind processed what she said. BPD? He questioned to himself, he averted his gaze, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. He swallowed, twitching his foot slightly.

"Uhm...borderline personality disorder?" He asked, timidly looking her in the eye again, awaiting a response.

"Yes! Very good. People with borderline personality disorder typically have very strong emotions and feelings, and often feel the constant need to prove themselves to those they're attached to, like they'll abandon them. You said on your paper that you feel a severe fear that people you love will eventually leave you, right?" She explained, asking Zander with a warm, comforting smile. He slowly nodded, feeling his throat tighten up and his eyes swell with tears.

"That's completely normal with BPD, Zander. You also said you feel depressed often, like when you feel angry or something upsetting happens, you have problems with self worth and injury, correct?"

Zander let a tear slip from his eye as he bit his lip. He couldn't answer out loud so he proceeded to timidly nod again, sniffing, letting a few more tears escape from his clouded wisteria eyes.

"That's again, completely normal, Hun. Don't feel ashamed about it, it's not your fault you think this way okay? Typically those that have BPD have experienced some kind of childhood trauma also. You've told your phycologist about those things, haven't you?"

Again, Zander nodded, closing his eyes, feeling the tears fall faster down his cheeks now. He inhaled shakily, reaching for the tissue box and taking one, wiping his eyes and nose a bit.