Nikolas

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

I've never experienced heartbreak before. I'd never let myself get to a point with someone where I'd opened up my heart to them. I had other things to do in my life.

I always thought that I'd be tough enough to just deal with pain. But this pain I'm feeling is not like anything I've ever felt before.

When I was younger, I never had a good example of love that surrounded me. I just thought it was a word, something said in a cheesy situation. Something that meant nothing. But now, it's a word that can somehow describe the intense emotions that are threatening to choke me.

I've always taught myself to protect myself from others. Whether that be physically or emotionally. That was how I'd gone all these years without being heartbroken. Even with my mother, I'd force myself to keep a wall built between us so that when she did want to attack me, I wouldn't be vulnerable and weak. But with Nikolas. I hadn't expected him to come into my life. I didn't have time to build that wall so when he came crashing down, my defenses were down and he got to just rip out my soul. He got to see the raw emotions that I kept hidden in a corner of my heart and he attacked. Leaving me empty and defeated.

"What's wrong?" Summer's next to me in my bed. I didn't go to church, and I was aware of Lilah's text asking me if I was going to make it to our session. I wanted to go, but it felt like my heart was so heavy I couldn't even leave this bed. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. It's clear that our relationship wasn't even a relationship. Everything was just in my head. 

It just sucked that that motherfucker had the audacity to chase me in the beginning and I actually fell for it. 

I should've listened to my mother. 

Something I never thought I'd say while I was alive. But it's true. She told me that men don't care about you once they get what they want. I should've listened to her. Sure, everything else she says is absolute bullshit, but she knows men. Since she's had half the male population inside of her. 

I shake my head, "Nothing, I'm just tired," I lie to her. I don't want her worrying about me. I don't want her to know about the pains of heartbreak. She raises an eyebrow, "Have you been in bed all day?" She sounds like she's teasing me and when I don't answer, all the amusement in her eyes disappear. 

"Don't you have to pee?" She asks making me crack a small smile. 

"I haven't drank any water," I tell her. She crinkles her nose, "I can tell," she sniffs the air. I roll my eyes. 

"How was church?" I ask her. 

She smiles, "It was so fun! I think mom's problem with the old woman is getting worse," she giggles. I listen to her go on about how church went and I can't help but be envious of her life. I want to know how she feels and how she sees the world. It seems like she's always seeing the good side in everything. 

The way she appreaciates the little things remind me that she's still so young. But I wouldn't know what that's like. I didn't have a childhood. It was engraved into my head that happiness was superficial. Something that only happens in a fairytale. Something not real. And the fact that she experiences it everyday makes me happier than I ever was. 

Summer's stories help me forget about the hole in my chest, missing the vital organ that I needed to live. An organ stolen by the very boy I promised myself I'd never get close to. To think that I agreed to our little situation because I thought I'd never catch feelings for him. 

I want to smack myself and laugh. 

I can deal with physical pain. It's all I've been doing for the past few years, but this pain that bloomed from within me? I can't even reach it.