Nikolas

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

"Say something," he whispers, and if I didn't know who he was, I'd think he was begging. I could count how many times I've seen Nikolas Cairo in this much pain on two fingers. It was something that looked so strange and foreign on his beautiful face. I couldn't help but want to make it go away. It seemed like it didn't belong there. I hated it, it made my heart hurt. But I knew that the only way I'd make it stop for him was to give myself to him.

If I were healthier mentally, I wouldn't give in for myself. But I wasn't, I wasn't healthy, in fact there wasn't a part of me that was flawless. I wasn't going to give in for him. For the pain that I'd cause when he finds out everything that happened to me. For the disappointment he'd feel when he realizes that I have nothing to offer anymore.

There was barely anything inside my heart. Barely anything in my soul.

It was ripped apart by someone who I knew had enough power over me to shut my mouth. There was no way I'd burden Nikolas with all of that. I couldn't.

Maybe that was what love was. Is that why people say that we should let the ones we love go? Why did it hurt me to be aware? Why did I want to be selfish?

I couldn't look away from his pain-riddled face. I ignored the pinch in my heart, making it hard to breathe, as I continue to just stare at him. I didn't know what to say to him. I wished that he could read my mind. To see the thoughts rushing through my head that are threatening to choke me.

My vision blurs as I tear up. I desperately want to be held in his arms again. I desperately want him to kiss my forehead and tell me everything was going to be okay, but I know that I needed to save him from the pain I'd cause him.

I didn't care about his rejection, I didn't care about his hurtful words. I just wanted him to be happy. I just wanted him to be satisfied with his life. I'd forgotten about the pain he'd caused me, in fact I'd come to terms to it, I knew why he said those words to me. I understood, it was difficult to stay mad at him.

"Please, June," he whispers, reaching for my hand. I let him take it, a tear rolling down my cheek when I realize that it'd be the last time I'd feel his touch. I try to memorize the feeling of his rough hands englufing mine.

I shudder, letting out a breath, knowing that if I didn't leave soon, I'd break down.

"I-I can't," I feel him flinch. I wish I'd chosen a different way to start.

"I've already caused you too much pain, Nikolas, I-I can't do this to you anymore," my voice is so quiet, even I can barely hear it. He tightens his grip on my hand, as if he was trying to stop me from slipping away.

"I'm the one who fucking hurt you, June, what the hell are you talking about?" His words are harsh but his tone is soft.

I shake my head, "I need to stop burdening you, I'm leaving soon anyway," I tell him. He sucks in a sharp breath, looking at me as if he were desperately hoping that I was joking.

He frowns, "What do you mean?"

"We're in senior year, Nikolas, we have start thinking of our future when we're all independent, when we all have our own things—" he cuts me off.

"My own thing is you, I'll follow you, I don't give a shit about whatever future I have if it isn't with you," it's the most emotion I've ever seen from him. He was telling the truth, making this that much harder. I hardly could breathe through the pressure in my chest.

"No, you don't understand, there's nothing I can give you, especially not anymore," I say, wiping away my tears.

He shakes his head, "I don't want anything from you, I just want you."

I sigh, "I wish it were that simple."

"It is, though, it's that fucking simple, I'll support you in whatever you want to do, just let me be with you," he begs. There would be a time where this would work on me. His big eyes looking at mine with so much feeling, the quiver in his voice. But I clench my fists, knowing I was saving him by leaving him alone. I loved him enough to stop myself from corrupting him.

Ironic. This is the same thing he was asking of me when we first started talking. To be his. But now, I so badly want to. I had to remind myself that it wasn't that simple. I had not only myself to support but Summer, I didn't have time to let myself be happy.

"I can't Nikolas," I whisper, "I need to get out of here, I need to take of my sister, I need to escape my stepfather, leave my mother, leave my friends, work my ass off, there's so much shit I need to do right now, I can't let myself have peace."

"Why the hell not?" He's frustrated. Frustrated to point where his ears are red and his eyes are squinted. He doesn't understand. I so badly want to tell him what's actually happening but I don't want to taint him with my pain. I don't want him to worry about me. He may think he's bad person, but to me he's an angel. One sent by God to show me the good things in life. I just can't taint him.

I can't.

Before I met him, I thought the saying 'if you love them, let them go' was bullshit. I didn't truly understand what it meant and thought that it was some kind of scam. Love didn't exist to me. But now as I stare up at his pretty eyes, seeing the desperation, the love, it becomes too real to me what it means. I love him, so I need to let him move on. I need to let him go and stop holding him back. I'm not even talking about the clear societal gap between us, I'm talking about the emotional, physical, mental gap between us.

"You need to let me go, you can do so much better, you can be so much happier without me." I force myself to say the words.

"What the fuck are you on, June?" His eyes are wide and his chest is heaving, "I thought I made it clear that I don't want anyone but you."

I feel a hot tear trail down my cheek, the pain in my chest becoming unbearable, "I have to grow, Nikolas, I have to become good enough for you, but I don't want you to wait for me, I can't be selfish," I whisper, hiccuping through my sentence.

"You are good enough for me, I don't know what kind of bullshit you're feeding yourself," he reaches out for me but I pull away from him making him wince, "but if for some dumbass reason you won't accept that I think you're more than good enough, then I'll wait, I have plenty of fucking time."

I wished that I was strong enough to resist him, but slowly, I feel all the emotions seeping out of my locked up heart. I sob, my chest heaving as I shake my head. He ignores my protest against him touching me and pulls me into his chest. It's warm and immediately, more tears stream down my face.

I let him hold me for a while. I let myself find comfort in his arms for the last time. I wish that I was in a different situation, I wish that my mother didn't marry a pedophile, I wish that he and I met in the future when I was stable enough to make him happy.

I bury my face further into his chest, already missing him, already craving him, but I know I needed to end this quick. I knew that I was only causing further pain for both of us, being selfish again.

I pry his arms away from me, "I love you, Nikolas," I whisper, my voice choking up. He's still so close to me I can hear both of our hearts pounding. I watch his brilliant eyes flash with so many emotions before landing on one, hope. My heart breaks even further.

"I promise, I'll get better, I'll grow enough that I won't be a burden on you," I promise him, "but please don't force yourself to wait for me, if you find happiness in someone else, I'll understand, you deserve all the happiness in the world," I press a soft kiss on his lips. He doesn't say anything, I don't know whether it's from shock, anger, heartbreak, or maybe it's a mixture of all three. It's nothing compared to the agony I feel as I wipe my tears and head out of the classroom.

I run to the bathroom, tears leaking from my eyes. Locking myself in a stall, I let myself cry. There's a small part of me that wants to run back to the classroom and be selfish, but I ignore it. I couldn't do this to him. Humans are destined to continue to go forward, but if I give in, he'd be stuck in the same position as he would be forced to look after me as well. It made me so angry that the world threw so much at us, so much that kept us apart. But I knew that if I gave into being with him, I'd be putting not only his but Summer's future at risk. I couldn't be selfish right now. I needed to get out of here and support myself and Summer.