The Chosen.

What Ifs

I lie in Tom and I's bed, his fingers stroking my hair back from my face. Facing him is the only way i am able to find comfort, i need him with in my sight at all times now. I know it will take time to heal from what i just went through but i can't help but to feel like damaged goods. Like a dented can you accidentally buy at the grocery store only to later throw away in the garbage.

 I feel like i can still feel his hot breath on my skin and it sends chills down my entire body. The look of infuriation in his eyes replays in my head on a loop. Going back and forth between finding peace and breaking down again, i just try to make it through the night.

Tom begs for my forgiveness over and over but i feel as if there is nothing to forgive, he didn't do this to me. I can sense guilt weighs heavy on his heart but i think that is just going to take some time to heal as well. There's a saying that says 'time heals all wounds' and i can't stop thinking about it. My mother basically burned it into my brain by repeating it incessantly after i got shot. It's indescribable how much i wish she were here to hold me and help me through this. 

Tom finally fell asleep a little while ago. I am really uncomfortable being alone right now but to see him sleep so peacefully makes me happy. He needs an escape from this too. His sweet little breaths remind me of my little sister Willow when i would watch her sleep as a baby. Her quick little tiny breaths, the rise and fall of her back as she slept on her tummy. 

Thinking about my family has really been helping me get through this seemingly never ending night. It's been so long i feel as if i'm forgetting the minute details of their faces. Knowing i can no longer remember every single little detail about them makes my heart ache a little. But i remind myself i had to trade that life for this one, with Tom.

I wonder what life would be like if the vanishing had never happened. I would still be best friends with Sloane, no telling what kind of trouble we could have gotten into. A little smile perks up from the corners of my mouth remembering my crazy ass roommate. Tom would love her, i just know it. They kind of remind me of each other in a way, theres a certain quality about the way they carry themselves that's just so memorable. I wonder if she is dead. I know it's improbable to think that the whole world seemingly dropped dead, their corpses vanishing into thin air but so is the latter. To think that the entire population besides us few chosen ones, got up and waltzed off the face of the earth is just... crazy. It would make much more sense if we were the ones gone from earth but we are very clearly still here stuck in this god forsaken wasteland.

I shake my head trying to calm my thoughts. My finals would be going on sometime soon, at least i think. My mom would be preparing for another marathon, only eating chicken and rice all day every day. I remember how the smell of boiled chicken would drive me insane and make me slam my door shut to get away from it.  Now days i would love nothing more than to smell the aroma of my mothers cooking. Memories of last Christmas come flooding back. My dad gave my mom a beautiful diamond ring for their twenty fifth anniversary, i went to the jeweler with him and he even let me pick it out. The look of pure joy and amazement on her face when she saw it was honestly one of the most heartwarming moments in my life.

"Mom." i whisper, calling out to her at the off chance she is out there somewhere listening. I cry again, letting the tears fall from my very swollen and puffy eyes. "I love you." just in case i remind myself.

"She loves you too." Tom whispers back, my eyes peak up at his. I didn't notice he woke up. After wiping away a few tears, i sniffle my nose and reach my hand out to hold his.

"Tell me about them." he asks. My heart soars at being able to talk about them, they make me so proud.

"My mom was a kindergarten teacher, she loved to run and paint. She was beautiful. Her freckles made her hazel eyes just pop off her face, she was just... wow. My dad was a rancher, raised us girls to be tougher than nails, not very successfully in my case i'll have to admit. Funniest person i've ever met. And Willow. My sweet little Willow, her voice- her voice was nothing like i've ever heard before. She was so damn young but the things she could make you feel by just singing was so... profound. I just- i miss them."

"The way you describe them makes me miss them with you." He whispers softly to me, feeling my hurt with me. I could never put into words how thankful i am for him.

"Tell me about yours." my eyes long to know more about him, they stare at him with an intensity i could only describe as devotion. 

He sighs and bites the inside of his cheek. His entire demeanor shifted as soon as i brought up his family. I hope i haven't awoken settled feelings inside of him but i think i have. "Bill and i-... we got in a fight with our parents the last time we visited. And we hadn't talked to them since and now they're gone." he shakes his head at the memory. I wish to know what happened between them that was so horrible they hadn't talked to one another in months but i decide i shouldn't pry.

"I'm sorry." I twist his dreads between my fingers like i always do when i am sad or anxious about something. Our eyes both watch his hair roll between my finger tips not saying a word to each other. Just accepting the silence as it is.

"We found out we were adopted. and they kept it from us. Bill found some papers in the attic while packing some stuff to bring back to school. They denied it at first but eventually gave in..." It turned into this big fight and Bill and i left the next morning back to school." I can tell his mind is replaying the events, his breathing quickens next to me. I squeeze his hand harder to let him know i'm just right here. Tears start to stream down the sides of his cheeks.

"Awh honey." I wrap my arms around him, trying to hold him though his pain like he does for me so often. I can't imagine being on bad terms with my parents when they vanished, i would be heart broken. I'm surprised this is the first i'm hearing of this, from him or Bill. I guess it was all still too fresh for them.

"And now Bill is dead. He died angry at them... and if one day everyone shows back up, I'll have to tell my parents i watched him die."  He cries out in a sob, my head peaks around to other beds to see if he disturbed anyone. I see no stirring around me so my attention falls back to the heart broken boy in my arms.

"Baby, you can't live for what ifs. And Bill knows that they loved him dearly. They chose you two to be theirs, that wouldn't stop over some fight. I know they would choose you again if they could. They'd be fools not to." I try to comfort him, but i've never really had a way with words. I usually just say whatever comes to my mind and call it good. I don't know that i'm doing a very good job right now until he looks up at me,

"You always know just what to say June." He tucks his head into my chest, the tears making his eyes heavy. He slowly drifts off to sleep in my embrace. After a while of battling my own demons of the night i am able to finally do the same.