The Chosen.

Not Fair.

My stomach lies firmly against the cool marble of the ledge. I lay my head on the back of my hands watching the stars through the massive window. My feet kick, lightly brushing up against one another. Feeling his eyes, i know Tom is soaking up my naked body eventuated by the glimmer of the moon light. His fingers ever so slightly trace the skin on my back circling around the little dimples above my waist. Softly drawing against my skin i feel him near the scar on my left side and i feel every one of my muscles tense.

"What's this?" he asks me in a whisper. His fingers trace circles over my little scar making me want to hurl. My mind is instantly triggered at the slightest touch. I try not to yank away from him but i can't help it. I don't want him to stop touching me like this but i still can't handle even myself nearing there.

My body flings itself up from the ledge almost making me tumble to the ground. My hands near my mouth with a shake as i am sent spiraling. My heart thudding in my chest, my breathing becomes more rapid. Clutching my chest with wide eyes i realize i'm having a panic attack. The familiar faint sounds of police sirens ring out through my empty head. I hear my mother screaming my name as my cheek lies against the warm pavement.

"June?" He whispers again pulling my mind back to reality. His eyes are worried for me, scared of what he just did to upset me. I try to reassure him but nothing comes out of my mouth as i still can't breathe. My arms and legs become numb from the lack of oxygen due to my hyperventilation. My hands wave rapidly trying to cool myself down, as i suddenly realize i am burning up. I can feel the vomit encroaching up my esophagus trying to claw its way out.

I need a sensation to bring me back to reality so i dig my nails as deeply as i can into my palms. Please i beg of myself to come back to life. But my vision becomes blurrier taking me farther away from where i wish to be.

"JUNE!" my mother screams in the background as the paramedics rip me from the side of the road. My eyes begin to get heavier and all i can do is crave sleep. I want to let go.

Come back. Come back, I beg of myself. I begin to lay punches into my thighs, anything i can to shake my memory.

"What are you doing?" Tom grabs my shoulders shaking me slightly. He's worried for me hurting myself, how ironic. I feel my consciousness start to fade, my outer vision dimming slowly. I'm about to pass the fuck out. He sees it in me too, the light in my blue eyes starting to fade. He puts his hands on the sides of my cheeks slapping softly.

"Hey. Hey. HEY!" he tries to startle me back but i'm falling faster and faster by the moment. My knees wobble beneath me making my body shutter.

"JUNE!" I barely am able to feel his hand slide to the back of my neck. His strong grip rips at the back of my scalp, clinging to my hair to keep me standing. His other palm stings a slap on my cheek making my eyes fly wide open. I'm not shocked at the fact that he hit me, i'm shocked that it actually worked to bring me back. Thank god.

My breath catches as it starts to slow and i can feel my heart beat softer in its cavity. My mouth is now dry causing my throat to burn with every breath. I rub my eyes trying to get them to adjust to the moonlit room once again.

"Fuck." i whisper to myself as i can feel my brain slowly waking up and embracing life once again. That was a really close one. I honestly can't remember the last time i fully passed out from a panic attack.

"Come here." Tom opens his arms to embrace my still naked body into his. His heart still pounds in his chest letting me know how much he cares. I think i scared him.

"I'm sorry... just a panic attack. I'm okay. Thanks for..." i mutter as i pull back from him. I look him in the eyes to let him know how serious i am about being okay. I trail off from my last words because i didn't want to make him feel guilty for hitting me. I needed it... but in a different way this time.

"Shhh. it's okay." he caresses the side of my face before placing his lips against mine. My knees once again become weak but now for a much different reason. Noticing my faltering stature he squeezes me tighter against him so i don't fall.

Now that i'm dressed i some how feel even colder. I assume it's from Tom's furnace of a body not being held tightly against me anymore. Damn, i already miss it. He passes me a joint as we sit against the window in silence. Taking a big drag i finally break the tension,

"It's a bullet hole." i say blowing the smoke from the corner of my mouth. I feel his gaze burning into me but i can't bring myself to look back. My purpose of telling him this is not to make him feel sorry for me, i actually don't want that at all. I just need him to understand me and that means ALL of me.

"I have another one in my hip. That one hit bone and splintered, i have a bigger scar there. But the little one you touched they left in... They didn't want to have to remove my lung or cause more damage because i was already bleeding too much." I chew the inside of my lip aggressively as i am reminded of my wounds, remembering them fresh. I remember the coagulated blood mixing with the rocks as i started to feel my life slip away from me.

"It's so... small." He looks at his hands in confusion. Before i got shot, i also thought bullet holes were some massive deformity, but in reality they're catastrophically small. That little tiny piece of metal almost ruined my entire life, almost killed me.

"Yeah... just hit my lung. I was coded twice... that's how i am so fortunate to be here... in the vanishing... one of the chosen." My words bite with sarcasm. I am thankful to be here don't get me wrong but only for the sake of being with Bill and Tom... well now just Tom.

"What... what happened?" i can tell his words are almost scaring himself as they come off his perfect lips.

I sigh. I know i have to get over telling this story eventually but bringing it up just really puts me in a bad place mentally. He needs to know though.

"I uhhh- I went to a party. My friend... she got too drunk to drive so i walked home.. by myself which was stupid. I was almost home," i cry out in frustration as i can feel the tears pour from me. It's not fucking fair, it never was. I didn't do anything wrong. I was a good kid.

I compose myself letting my story resume, "I was almost home... and it all happened so fast... these two guys came up behind me and demanded my bag. I gave it to them with no hesitation but when they turned to run off... one of them reached up and fired two shots." A chill trickles down my neck accompanied by a stream of tears. I wipe my snot away with the sleeve of my shirt. Shutting my eyes i sigh with relief. I can't tell if i feel relieved because i'm over with the story or all these emotions are making me feel thankful to be alive again.

I've never let someone see me so vulnerable before, not even my parents, not even Mia. It's like he has seen me through thick and thin and still loves me for all that i am.

I sob harder remembering the screams of those closest to me as they found my bloody body sprawled out on the asphalt. "My parents found me after hearing the gun shots." The gasps of my neighbors, the shoes scraping against the rocks. I can't forget any of it. My brain holds on to those memories like a dear friend even though that was the second most painful day of my life. Losing Bill was the first.

"Let me hold you please." he whispers holding his arms out for me to take. I happily oblige, theres no place i'd rather be.