~•his past•~ [Hyunlix]

Healing. Or not?~19

"Oh boys..." The teacher whispered as I slowly started to calm down a bit. Hyunjin placed me back on the table, still hugging me as miss Seo was caressing both our backs.

"I'll try to fix something so you don't have to work with him Felix, alright?" The teacher said as she tried to look into my red, teary eyes and gave me a kind off- broken smile.

I just nodded slightly as she then patted my head and left the classroom, leaving me and Hyunjin there to calm down a bit.

This is gonna be a whole rollercoaster.....

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Felix's pov

It's now 1 month since we got the letter. By our suprise we didn't see Teongy anymore, he just dissapeared but he's technically still in our school. Miss Seo helped me, and ofcource Hyunjin a lot, we talked sometimes and she would always tell us it would be okay.

I also got a little bit better, I started working on my anxiety, with a lot of help from Hyunjin. It's still there ofcource, but me and Jinnie talked about it multiple times and said if we were in public places, or even school and I felt uncomfortable I would just take his hand and squeeze it. It actually did work a little, I still got 4 anxiety and 2 pannick attacks this month but at least it's less than before... My wounds are now healed, not completely, but it's getting better by the day. Or at least the wounds on my wrists...but I started eating better, I gained some weight and Hyunjin, my friends and ofcource my parents are really proud. Even tho I'm disgusted by myself, I hate my body even more now and can't help but harm myself in any way possible. Hyunjin didn't really notice because it's starting to get colder and so I'm covering every inch of my body. But as long as everyone around me is happy that I gained some weight, i'll stick to this.

I gotta be honest, every time I weighted myself I just made sure to drink a lot before because I wanted to show I actually did make progress. But that doesn't matter. I'm happier because my friends, boyfriend and parents are so it's okay. Altho I think things are going downhill again...

Monday morning

I woke up in Hyunjin's arms, warm and safe. That's what it feels like for me, and it's the best feeling possible.

"Goodmorning sunshine." I heard as I slowly opened my eyes, looking up at the beautefful face with his soft and fluffy hair, who I fell in love with.

"Goodmorning Jinnie." I answered in my deep ass morning voice which made Hyunjin give me a light chuckle. I just sighed in reply, closing my eyes and laying back on his chest again as he played with my hair.

"Lix what's wrong?" He asked, knowing what is wrong but still asking to tease me.

If he plays that game, I can do it even better.

"Noo... Lixie please answer... I need your voice." Hyunjin whine which made me giggle softly in his chest. I just shrugged my shoulders in response, not willing to even say one word.

"lixiee..." He whined again, but no response. "Fine." He said sternly, taking my waist and rolling me underneath him as he started attacking my neck with kisses.

"Aish... Alright Jin..." I giggled which made him flash a bright smile, looking with his universial eyes into mine.

"Boop." He said as he fastly touched my nose with his finger, making me giggle again.

"I'll go shower... wanna join me?" Hyunjin said with a hoping smile. I would love to shower with him, but he can't see the things I did again. I don't want him to see what a failure I actually am.

"No thank you, but we can cuddle afterwards?" I could feel he was dissapointed that I didn't want to join him, but I don't even want to see how dissapointed he's gonna be if he finds out...

"Alrighty..." He sighed , standing up and almost leaving the room which made me want to cry so bad.

"Hyunjin please don't be mad... It's just..." I sighed as he turned back around. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, looking down to hide it.

Ofcource I want to join him, I would kill for it but because of the dumb shit i'm doing again I just can't. And if he finds out he will just leave me like any other person would do. I hate myself for being like this but I just can't stop it. Once you get into it, you can't get out. Or at least I can't.

"Hey... Lix don't cry... I'm not mad baby, I would never. If you're not comfortable with it, then that's okay." Hyunjin said as he cupped my face, wiping away the single tear that fell down my pink-ish cheeks.

"I'm sorry... I am comfortable with you Jinnie, but I'm just not totally in the idea of me, ...gaining weight..."

"My baby... Don't do things that make you uncomfortable... never. Not even for me, your parents or our friends. Alright?" He said as I nodded slightly.

"We'll wait until you are feeling 100 percent better, not 99... one hundred. Alright? I understand how hard it is but you had to gain some weight... Otherwise it's not healthy for you... But we'll work together on that. You can do this." he said as I simply just nodded, making him caress my cheeks and pecking my lips softly, but with passion.

"Thank you Jinnie... and i'm sorry for being a burden."

"Don't be sorry. And especially not because you think you're a burden, you're the best thing that came into my life and i'm so so gratefull for that Lix." Hyunjin said as he once again, connected our lips. 

"Can I tell you something?" I asked, scared of my life of what he will think about me. I have to say I am doing dumb stuff again, he deserves to know and if he doesn't love me anymore... That's my own stupid fault.

"Ofcource, what is it?" He said, sitting on the bed as he then wrapped his long and veiny arms around my waist, pulling me on his lap.

"Please don't be mad..." I said, half wispering it as my head was against his chest, looking down as my hand was scratching my finger open again.

"Baby, why would I be mad? You can tell me anything..." He whispered as he took my chin, pulling it closer so I was now looking in his beautefull eyes.

"I- I started hurting myself again... sorry Hyunjin" I said before tears rolled down my cheeks as Hyunjin sighed deep. "Why? Why would you do that Felix?" He said sternly, looking straight into my eyes. Ofcource he hates me now. Why would he like a stupid boy who is always crying and being dramatic? Why would he like a stupid boy who hurts himself and doesn't eat? Why would he like a stupid boy that gets anxiety and panick attacks all the time for no reason?                            Why would he like a stupid boy named Felix? Why.

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Hi

word count: 1246

that's like so short😭 anygays

I js don't know how to write the next 'scene' so yh

DON'T be confused in the next chap, i'm gonna write it '20 minutes later' but you'll see that in the next chapterr

cya