The Wrong Victor

Chapter forty-two: Katniss

I sit in my room on the windowsill looking out at the decimated Capitol. Areas are blocked off, taped off, and covered as rubble and bodies have yet to be cleaned up. Many of the war victims have yet to be identified for their families. It pains me knowing very well that any of my family could have been there. Any of my family could be out there. But what hurts the most is it just all reminds me of my dad.

"Katniss." I ignore the voice at the door pleading for my attention. My mother has never once looked at me the same since I was reaped the second time. She was fine when I came back after the first games. We made progress. But the moment it was announced I would be going back in, she crumbled. Never reliable. Prim needed her and she was gone again. Then when I returned she never spoke to me. Never acknowledged me. Never comforted me. She was just there sometimes and gone the next.

"Sweetheart." I look over this time to see Haymitch standing next to my mother both looking worn down and tired. Both looking impossibly similar. Their dirty blond hair with small lines of silvery grey mixed in, their tired sunken in blue eyes, their wrinkles. How have I never noticed this?

"Sweetheart, Katniss," he never calls me that unless it's serious, "if you're going to see Snow you have to be calm. Your mom is going to give you a mood stabilizer."

I nod as I move so my back is to the window. My legs dangle down from the windowsill as I stare at the two. They could be twins at this point.

My mother approaches and pulls out a needle.

My breath catches as my body tenses. Staring at the needle I just feel wrong. I feel in danger. I look at Haymitch who immediately walks over and grips my hand in his.

"You're okay." His rough calloused hand cups my cheek and he offers a small comforting smile to me. "You're okay. It's just a mood stabilizer. It's nothing else. Just to make sure you won't hurt Snow."

I feel like I can't breathe as the needle comes closer. I stare at the shiny metal of the needle. The shine reminds me of the trackers they forced into our bodies for the games. The sharp needle reminds me of the tracker jackers in the first game. The tracker jackers used to hijack me. The tracker jackers used to turn me into a mutt.

"No! No no no!" I try to get away from. The needle as my mother grabs my arm. No no not again. Not again no. I kick and scream trying to get away from the needle. When I'm successful I race out. I can't. I can't. I can't do this. I can't do this.

I don't know where I'm running. I don't know what I'm doing. I just need to run. I need to get away. I need a place to hide. I push my legs faster faster faster faster. Turns and left and right and right and left.

Where am I? I stop at a door guarded by members of District 13. Inside is a beautiful garden, well, what I can see through the window is a beautiful garden. So why is it guarded?

"Katniss, where are your escorts?" The guards ask obviously expecting me to be with other people. Expecting Haymitch and my mother to be here to confirm I took the mood stabilizer.

I stare at them and square my shoulders. "I left them down the hall. I wanted to be alone with him." Snow is on that garden. Snow is being treated to the luxury of a beautiful garden instead of a cell like the one he held me in.

The guards look at me and one grabs my upper arm.

I wince and grimace as if the grab hurt. They're testing me. They're making sure I took my shot. I didn't. They don't need to know that.

"You've been crying." The other one hands me a handkerchief.

"I didn't expect to be allowed to see him." I take the cloth gently and wipe my face clear of tears. "Nearly killed me with the games and with the torture." I say trying to be calm and not rush this, but I don't know how long it will take for Haymitch and my mother to find me. "May I go in?"

The guards look to each other and nod. They step aside and open the doors.

Immediately I'm hit in the face with the smell of the disgusting roses Snow would wear. I'm hit by the memories that smell evokes. More tears come to my face as I stay where I'm stood. I can't do this. I can't walk in.

"Katniss." I turn to Peeta as tears flow down my face. The pity on his face is clear even through the tears I'm crying.

"I—" I choke unable to say anything. The scent is choking me just as Snow did. The scent behaving no better than the man who wore it as a weapon.

Peeta walks closer to me and wraps me in his arms carefully as though I may break. "I'll go with you." He whispers against my hair.

I hug him close and tight for a moment before pulling away. I need to do this. I need to see Snow.

Peeta and I walk into the garden hand in hand. Into the terrible smelling area that threatens to choke me until I can no longer breathe.

When the doors shut behind us Peeta stops walking for a moment and brushes the tears off my face. "You're okay. You're stronger than him." Peeta reminds me with a soft smile. With that smile it's easy to forget that he was originally the one refusing to let me see Snow.

I nod as we continue farther into the garden. It doesn't take long before we see him.

Sitting on a bench in his all white suit with white hair, white skin that are all dirty and greyed and browned by dirt and maybe a bit a blood. "Ah, Peeta Mellark, so nice of you to join me again."

Again? Again.