Sugar High

A Hole In The Gut

Stepping into my apartment I pull a breath into my chest and hold it there, hoping it will strengthen me.

Travis had offered to drive me home but after the events of yesterday I thought he should maybe spend the morning with his therapist discussing all the craziness he had seccomb to at my hands.

The talking about emotions, the sex whilst holding hands, well that was for a split second before the real Travis broke free and the sex went from romantic to frantic and against all kinds of surfaces and in all kinds of orifices

The apartment seems untouched. Laras latest artwork sits on an eisel drying in the sun, the 6 outfits I had tried on before heading out for a shopping/lunch date with Travis still lie scattered over the couch

Lara and I are imprinted in every part of this apartment and it burns my chest to realise not one part of our relationship may have been real.

"Do I need a bodyguard or can we talk?" Lara moves from her bedroom to the lounge area easily, her eyes don't meet mine, her hair is darker, unwashed, her face makeup free but tear stained

"You can talk but it doesn't mean that I will listen"

"Taylor please..." her voice begs in a way I know she won't expect to be understood "I have to tell you this before you believe everything your dad said. I'm not lying to you... I did sleep with him, I admit it but it was one time and that was all it was. Everything he said after that was lies"

"Even the part where you took his money, where he paid you to betray me?"

I clutch my stomach as bile burns from my intestines to my chest

"I didn't know who he was, I didn't know you. We met at dinner. I was out with my dad and they knew each other, he joined us for a while and we just clicked. Taylor he was so kind and so sweet and my parents had just divorced, hearing him talk about his wife and his daughters so beautifully just...it got to me, we met a couple of times after and it became sexual but I swear Taylor it was one time and I knew it was wrong I didn't know you then, I promise you"

"And what about ever since? We have been friends, sisters almost for 2 years, you knew then who he was to me, why didnt you have the guts to tell me why did you have to leave it up to him of all people to blindside me with it?"

"Because I knew I would lose you and I didn't want that"

"This is all about you right Lara? You wanted my dad so you had him, fuck my mother?, fuck me and Austin? And then you wanted my friendship so you had it but it wasn't real because you were keeping this giant fuckin secret from me and when I think of it now Lara, when I look at your lying face I just want to be sick and then I want to scratch your eyes and and never, ever have to deal with you again"

"I'm sorry" tears slip silently down her face as she clutches her hands tightly in fists, trying so hard to keep herself together when the most significant relationships in her life were falling apart

"You could have told me, you could have stopped this"

"By the time I knew he was your dad we were living together. Everything seemed so perfect for the first time in my life. When he knocked in the door that day and I realised... God Taylor I wanted to tell you"

"But you took his money instead"

"I'm so ashamed of myself" I  look my former best friend up and down, she's a shadow of herself gone is the strong, artistic blond that takes no shit from anyone whilst also doling it out in bucket fulls, she has been broken by Scott Swift and I know exactly how that feels.

"He spoke to you, threatened to tell me what happened if you didn't convince me to go back home and start medical school. Right?" Lara nods "Why the fuck did you not just tell me? Why give him all of the power, why let him do this to us?!"

"Because I was scared" her voice is quiet and filled with so much honesty that I  almost couldn't bare to hear it

"I want you to leave" Lara just nods "I can't look at you right now without thinking about my dad hands being on you" the images have haunted me ever since I found out yesterday

"Taylor..."

"And I'm going to tell my mom"

"Oh Taylor no, please!"

"I don't like my mother but she deserves to know what kind of man she's married to" Lara rushes to my side, reaching for my hand but I just slap her away and then move backwards, putting distance between us once more

"Please, if she tells my dad..."

"What? What will happen Lara? Will you lose him? Lose your mom? Lose everyone you care about? Well maybe that's what you deserve because that's what you've left me with"

Picking up the mail that's sat on top of the counter I spare one more glance for Lara.

"You look and smell like shit. Sort that out before you see Joe"

"I'm not seeing Joe, not any more. He dumped me. Didn't want to be with someone that could do that to a friend" I say nothing,I just nod before moving past her and walking into my room and slamming the door shut behind me.

**************

Standing in the middle of her apartment alone Lara finally gave in to the heartbreaking sobs that had been fighting their way free of her body from the first second Taylors had entered. Slipping down the wall she sat clinging to her knees as sob after sob filled the air, every mistake she had made, every time she should have spoken but stayed silent, every time she should have said no but gave in, every time she should have been the friend she claimed to be but put her own selfish fears first burning a regretful hole in her gut.