𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐃𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓 | ellie williams

twenty six

ᖭི༏ᖫྀ

AYESHA STILL WOKE up with things to tell her. Whether she woke up from a dream where all of this never happened or a nightmare where everything went down again. She still woke up with words that were like stone in her heart, words of forgiveness she wished she could share with Ellie.

Three weeks. It's been three weeks since Joel's death. Since Ayesha left. Since Ellie and her parted ways. And Ayesha has never felt more empty, making her realize her real home never was the WLF, she felt good in Jackson and she wished she could go back.

She loved the people here in Seattle, but were they as important as Tommy? Or Jesse or even Ellie? Everyday she wondered what they thought of her, were they disgusted? Angry? Were they seeking revenge? Were they hurt?

Because Ayesha was hurt.

She was drowning, everybody saw, but did not hear. She was silently drowning but people only care about what they hear, not what they see. And though her pain was silent, looking at her felt like hearing glass shattering.

And shattered parts of her wished she could speak to someone. Nora, her roommate, was the only one who seemed to comfort her, though she didn't understand. Nobody understood because they were never there. They didn't spend months bonding with these people. They didn't betray the people they once called friends.

She should've never volunteered for that mission, and she was so mad at Isaac for letting her go because he thought Ayesha was the strongest, physically and mentally. Turns out he was wrong.

Though it hurts to say that, Ayesha secretly hoped she stayed in Seattle and never went to Jackson, even if that meant never meeting Tommy, Maria, Joel, Ellie, Jesse, everyone. Things would have been different and everyone would have been at peace.

"Are you feeling better?" Nora mumbled, looking at Ayesha in the dark bedroom.

Her thumb was slightly caressing her knee, trying to calm her after she woke up from a nightmare again.

"Yeah..." Ayesha whispered before curling her legs to her chest.

Truth is she didn't feel better.

"Okay, I am gonna take a shower. Try to pull yourself out of bed before I am done." She smiled before standing up from the bed.

Ayesha simply nodded, looking into void. Sometimes, when she closes her eyes, she can still see Joel's dead body. Ayesha has killed tons of people before, and she killed Joel too. Indirectly, but she still did, and yet it was so much more traumatizing.

And somehow, Ayesha didn't allow herself to feel sad, angry, traumatized. She didn't allow herself to grieve because she thought all of this was her fault. She didn't allow herself to feel emotions because she thought Ellie, Tommy and everybody else were going through worse right now.

She often thought of Tommy, if he was doing alright and if he was mad at Ayesha, which was a dumb question to which the young woman already had an answer. She also thought of Jesse and how she didn't get to properly say goodbye to him. She just absquatulated. Does he hate her? Does he feels like he's been bonding with a stranger for months? Does he know the Ayesha he knew is still the same.

And Ellie. She hates her, she knows it. And she would've never thought a love as fond as Ellie's for Ayesha could turn so quickly into pure hatred. Ayesha tried to write about her, to her, though they will never meet again, and maybe it's for the better. But Ayesha didn't want Ellie to just be some vulgar letters or chapters of a life. She wanted her to be the whole book.