I'm laying in my bed my nerves feel numb. I don't know what to do anymore. All I do is lay here hoping the day will change. I don't know what day it is anymore. My mother walked up to me today telling me today was Saturday. I told her no today is Monday. She looked at me, showed me her phone and showed me it was Saturday.
I feel my organs rot as they slowly sit in my stomach all by themselves no food fills my stomach as I don't want to feel fat I deal with the feeling of over and over analyzing a lot. I feel like if I over, analyze then that's enough to kill my hunger instead of eating I look at history shows hoping to learn something new. I've seen all of them over and over again I am not learning anything new. I've learned that sharks Have thousands of teeth and constantly make more.
I've learned nothing but living in a house rotting away like a flower. I haven't seen the sun since 2018. It is now 2024. I'm dying and I can feel it. I don't really eat much I eat two meals a day almost hopefully if I don't fall asleep, I sleep through the day I don't know what day it is anymore. I don't even know if it's night or day have a constant thought that if I sleep, then the pain feeling empty will go away, but it never dies. I feel my organs fighting myself fighting the insides of me. I feel them fighting and almost tearing everything in my stomach I feel my veins drain of blood. My skin is pale and sickly for my sun tones skin. My mother always told me that I look so pretty because of the fact that my skin was the shade of her favorite color of brown yet I can't seem to get why I'm not that shade anymore. I am now a very light brown due to the fact that I am so pale and malnourished, my mother can't do anything but watch me lay on the couch in disappointment
I am losing all strength against the winning battle of rotting. I love the idea of not having control anymore. I love that I'm rotting away because that's what I deserve. I'm such a horrible person that I do not deserve the world. I wonder if anyone cares my mother sure doesn't she lets me sit on the couch every single day It's been years. My father doesn't know my name doesn't recognize me either my brother can't even dare to look at me without feeling guilt my stepdad doesn't even recognize I'm there. My little sister thinks I'm sick my baby brother thinks I'm sick as well. I don't know how to tell them. I don't know what I am. I can't tell if I'm sick or just losing Motivation I feel like a diary I'm holding too much information. No one knows anything about me or that my favorite colors pink or that I am afraid of the dark or that I can't sleep alone without a bear. No one knows that about me it's not special enough to let out, I hope they can understand
My brain feels like a diary my body feels like a cabinet. If it had very little food my brain is like a diary, with how many words and populations of all of these thoughts that I have never thought of, and all of them just rushing to my mind at night when I cannot sleep but I dare to sleep during the day. My mind makes me think of all of these things like what will happen in 20 years. Where will I be? I hope I'm dead , the sad truth I know it's really weird to wish that upon yourself but if you realize that life isn't worth living at a very young age, then that is what you wish unless you deal with the thought of being alone or being alive my brain is like a diary. It has so much in it from thoughts of killing myself too Thoughts of disappearing to wishing I had more friends I wish my brain was more lighthearted. It deserves to be lighthearted. I don't deserve to be hurt like this anymore. my body is like an empty cabinet due to the fact that I don't give it enough food I am small and frail and my body looks disgusting I barely eat the fact that I guilt trip myself into thinking that I am fat people don't understand even if you have the so-called perfect body that they want you could still have thoughts that you are not perfect enough or pretty enough I don't feel like that gets brought up in a lot and society but like I said, my body is like an empty cabinet or a cabinet that is barely filled.
I feel like my mom and everyone around me gives me pity due to the fact that they know I'm dying. My body is secretly giving up on me from the inside out. I feel like I can't move my hands. I feel like I can't move my legs either I have lost the ability. I feel like if I ran away, no one would even notice I am not noticed around the house I get looked past as if I am just a simple object sitting on a table. I don't know who I am, or what I am, or who these people are I've lost my family a long time ago after the third argument between my stepdad and my mom I feel like I don't know who anyone is. I try to protect my siblings as much as I can but as soon as I stand up, I hit the floor. I have low iron and it sucks. I don't know what to do I panic.
My body feels like it's rotting away slowly and I can't do anything about it, but let it. I am actually kind of sad that it's rotting away because I was hoping to make it to the age of 16 but I guess that's my fault for not taking care of myself, even though I lost the motivation while ago, I hope my siblings can understand. I love them and that I didn't mean to die I just thought it was my time way too early in life. I'm sorry my love. I hope you can understand and I'm sorry big brother because you didn't deserve to lose your baby sister, I hope daddy can understand too because he didn't deserve to lose me either, I hope Mom changes her ways because she's gonna lose her. Only other daughter besides me if she doesn't change but I think she's too selfish to see that but I hope she does. I hope my body doesn't rot away the memories of my family and the happy times I've had with them because that's the one thing I hate about rotting I'm gonna start to forget everything and then I'm going to go away for very long time I'm never gonna show up again
𝓞𝓵𝓭 𝓯𝓸𝓸𝓭
