Colorful Flowers

✿》31 - Sinister《✿

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My eyes flicker open. Although I didn't scream or start crying. I had a nightmare and it's not a good one. It's just one more nightmare to go on my list of nightmares that I have

"Hello sleepyhead, you slept for a while" Bea says

I hum in response and rub my eyes trying to get the nightmare out of my head. I want it to go away. Why can't I just forget what Lily's dead body looks like. Maybe this is how Lucy Gray feels about mama and daddy when they died. I know daddy got shot, but she still hasn't told me about mama, Elliot Bronze, and Jack Monroe. I have a feeling that EB and Jack Monroe were like daddy but I don't know the full thing at all whatsoever. I think mama was worse than daddy though. She seems more hesitant about telling me about mama

"Has lunch come yet?" I ask Bea

"No not yet" Bea says

I sigh and close my eyes again wanting to go back to sleep so I can get away from the nightmare I am in already. I just want to go home. Even if it is in the Capitol. I just want to get out of here and it seems like I haven't even seen the worst of it, which makes me scared. I know I am weird and I know I am not good and I am a lost cause because of my autism, but I just want to see Lucy Gray one last time before I die. I just want this all to be over. I don't know how Bea has held on for two years

"Briar Rose?" Bea asks

"Yeah?" I say

"How are you doing?" She asks

I shrug a bit

"Tell me what's going on in your mind" Bea says

"A lot is going on in my mind. I just feel hopeless and unimportant and I just don't want to fight anymore. I know there is worse where the experiments are but losing Lily feels like a boulder on my chest that never goes away. I just want to be put out of my misery because this feels awful and I am afraid that I am going to lose you too" I say opening my eyes and looking up at Bea

"You know, sometimes, your mind plays tricks on you. It can tell you you're no good, that it's all hopeless. But I have discovered this..." Bea says pausing a bit and stroking my hair

I look up at her waiting to hear the next part of what she is going to say. I think I it is something I should hear so I am listening carefully

"You are loved, and important. And you bring to this world things no one else can. So, hold on." Bea says looking at me with tears in her eyes

I start to tear up too, but I push it down and I give Bea a quick smile

"My pa used to say that to me. I will always remember that" Bea says

"Just like I remember the song my sister sings to me, but I remember most of the songs that she sings" I say to Bea

"Really?" Bea asks

"Yeah, but not as good as my cousin Maude Ivory. She can remember a song after only hearing it once. I need to hear it a couple of times" I say to Bea

"Wow, that is amazing" Bea says

The slot opens and two trays get slid on to the floor. I get up and get both of the trays and I hand one to Bea sitting down next to her on the mattress. We eat in silence not saying anything. Usually Lily fills up the silence with her constant talking, but she isn't here and she is never coming back. I finish eating and I look over at Bea to see if she is done which she is so I take the tray out of her hands and I put them back near the door and I walk back to Bea laying my head back down in her lap. It feels nice. It reminds me of when me Lucy Gray, Maude Ivory, Tam Amber, CC, Coriolanus, and Sejanus all went to the lake and we were laying under the tree near the lake after eating and talking about random things. Although then I didn't trust Coriolanus and I don't exactly trust him now I just deal with him and go along because there is definitely something going on that me and Lucy Gray do not know about, but I get fed three good meals a day, I have more than enough clothes. I have a bookshelf full of books and so many toys to play with if I want to. I prefer reading over anything else. I wonder if Coriolanus fired Fauna for losing me in the park. I mean it is something that he would do, but I actually kinda liked Fauna. She is nice and is from District 8 which means she understands the hardships of living in the Districts