Photography (HS)

Chapter 6

Chapter 6 TWTW

I hate the weekends, they are just so boring. Two days of just lounging around doing nothing. When you're trying to save any money, doing shit at the weekends never works. Coming from someone who only gets money from benefits, because I live alone with no help from my parents, I barely get to do anything.

I was led on my bed scrolling through my phone as I do every weekend, I spent most of the time looking at the photos Harry took and edited of me. It was confusing how he left so abruptly, didn't come into school for days but was able to edit photos? Like what was he doing?

I looked at the clock on my bedside table and thought I should probably get off my ass and do something. It was 9:30 and I still hadn't eaten so I decided to get out the house and go get breakfast. I pulled back the covers and walked over to my bathroom to have a shower and get ready.

Once I was dressed and grabbed my house keys and walked out the door. I was only going to go to the cafe around the corner from my apartment building so I didn't need to drive. Also the weather was quite nice today so a walk would probably do me some good. I had on a pair of blue denim shorts, a plain white tee and a black zip up jacket over the top. Perfect for the weather.

The walk was not long at all, five minutes maybe. I'm not unfit at all, but I genuinely forget how nice it is to just go for a walk sometimes. Letting the breeze run through my damp hair still from my shower and actually listening to the sounds around me and not just the music I put on is actually quite refreshing.

I wondered up to the cafe and noticed a big group of boys hanging out by a car parked next to the entrance. People make me nervous so I just kept my head down and carried on walking towards the doors to get in.

I tried my best not to make eye contact with any of the boys but as I looked up for one second to make sure no one was infront of me, I hit direct eye contact with one of them. He was leant against the bonnet of his car, cigarette on one hand and a cup from the cafe in the other. I looked back down so he didn't think I was staring or anything but as I got closer to the group they all started to stare.

I continued my walk to the hear stuff being shouted. "Well you aren't a pretty one are ya." The boy I made eye contact with shouted. I picked my head up again just to see if I actually heard him say something and when I realised he did, his friends decided to join in.

"Oh no, defo not. Those thighs would crush someone!" Another yelled

"Might wanna do your jacket up, no one wants to see that." More voices joined in.

I tried my best to just ignore the shit they were all saying but when I got to the front of the cafe and grabbed the door handle. The boy with the cigarette got there before me.

He stood taller than me in blue jeans and a white T-shirt, his hair was dirty blonde and overall he looked like someone who would be a dick. He blocked the entrance for anyone wanting to get in or out. I felt my cheeks going red at this confrontation, I don't even know this kid, what's he being a twat for?

"Can I just get through there please?" I asked timidly just wanting to get out of this situation.

"Oh you want to actually go in there?" He looked behind him acting surprised that I wanted to go in the cafe. He bent over a little bit to reach my height. "You weren't planning on getting breakfast were you?"

I nodded.

"Well I don't think you need it love, looks like you've already eaten enough, maybe you should cut back a bit." His words felt like a had just been stabbed. I took a step back, shocked that he actually said something that horrible. The boy just laughed in my face and walked around me back to his friends.

I instantly turned back away from the doors of the cafe and started to run away. As I got further away the laughs from all of the other boys were drowning out, but what the main one said was just running through my head.

"Looks like you've already eaten enough, maybe you should cut back"

As I was running I felt the tears stream down my face. That sentence prancing around my head at a millions miles an hour. My legs couldn't take me fast enough to get home. This trip back felt way worse then on the way there.

I was appreciating the breeze hitting my face, all it was doing was making me cold when the wind hit my tears. I wasn't taking in the sounds around me, they were all drowned out by those few sentences attacking my mind.

Call me sensitive or whatever, but the things that those boys said sent me in a spiral. My biggest insecurity is my weight and how I look, it was something that my mother always used to talk about. Telling me how I had to be the thinnest to be the prettiest. Starving me for days at a time when she thought I gained weight.

If she saw me now she would be mortified.

I got back to my apartment building in record time, bursting through the doors and running up the stairwell to my home. I saw my door in sight and started digging around my pickets for my keys, I struggled for a while trying to get the, I to the door as my hands were shaking so much.

I ran through my door slamming it behind me. I chucked my keys onto the sofa and pulled my jacket off my body and threw that too. Tears still streaming down my face and stumbled over to my bathroom and felt back against the door to shut it.

I turned to my kitchen sink, falling to the floor so I could open the cabinets underneath. I fiddled around trying to look for my small medical kit, once I found it I pulled from the cupboards and fell back with my back against the wall.

I opened it up slowing my pace down and pulled out an old rusted razor blade. I was still crying, and my breathing got heavier staring at the sharp object in my hands.

I leant my head against the wall and under the button to my shorts and pulled them down, lifting myself up so they could get over my bottom. I let the material fall to my ankles just leaving me in my underwear. I looked down at the old wounds that were already there, my vision a bit blurred from the tears in my eyes.

I looked at the blade again, the insults still running through my head.

That's all it took. I could hear the boys shouting at me as if it was happening right in front of me.

I took the blade on the inside of my thighs and cut. I didn't even have to look to know that blood editing my body, I could just feel the liquid running down my leg.

I winced at the pain that I was inflicting on myself and just continued to cry. I cried about the pain. I cried about what the boys said. But I was also crying at the fact that I promised Sophie that I wouldn't do this again and here I am breaking that promise.

She was walked in on it and made me swear it never do it again and now im fucking that up too. Everything was just hurting and I needed to stop but I couldn't until I knew that I had done enough.

So there I sat, crying like a baby over pain that I was causing myself.

What an idiot right?

Heyyyyy guys
This was an incredibly deep chapter and I know that this affects many people in life, my self included. But I just want you guys to know that you are never ever alone in situations like this. My TikTok dms are always open if you need to talk to someone or even just to rant about life.

And also don't listen to briony, a person doing this does not make them an idiot, I promise!

Love ya