𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔳𝔦𝔩'𝔰 𝔗𝔴𝔦𝔫𝔰

Beauty of pain¹⁸

ℭ𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔢𝔯 XVIII

꧁༒𝐡𝓪Ⓣ︎ᗴℝ༒꧂

It has now been three days since Yongbok was killed. While Chan locked himself in his room in the dark, Felix fell into a kind of trance of anger and hatred. At first, Minho tried to spend as much time as possible with Felix so that he wasn't alone and that nothing could happen to him. But since yesterday Felix has locked himself in his room and hasn't let anyone in since then. But Minho didn't give up. He continued to leave food in front of the boy's room door so that the boy wouldn't go hungry. But Felix hasn't touched that in the last few hours either. Minho also tried to start a conversation with the boy when the door was closed, but Felix didn't say another word. If Minho didn't hear the boy running up and down in his room or throwing something against the wall, he would think that Felix had already disappeared.

But despite Minho's efforts, the older one unwittingly caused Felix to retreat even further. Felix noticed Minho's efforts. At first he didn't think anything of it and just thought that Minho was weak and saw Yongbok in Felix. But then after hours Felix noticed that Minho was really worried about him and that scared Felix. He never had anyone worry about him. Although Yongbok was always there and asked him to be careful, Yongbok was never really worried when someone held a gun right in front of Felix's face. Minho was the first outsider who was seriously worried about him and Felix didn't know how to deal with so much care and love, so he did what he usually did... he kept Minho away from him.

But this loneliness and silence ensured exactly that, what Minho wanted to protect him from. Felix first burst into anger and smashed everything around him. Be it the furniture or the walls. Everything was either broken on the floor or had fist-sized holes in it. Felix fell into self-pity and guilt. The longer he was alone with his thoughts, the more he thought about how he could have saved Yongbok.

"If only I hadn't been so weak!"

"If only I had listened to Yongbok and not trusted that old man!"

"It's my fault Yongbok is dead!"

"Mine all alone!"

The thoughts became darker and louder by the second. They started shouting at him.

"It's your fault that your twin brother is dead!"

"It's your fault that Chan lost the love of his life!"

"It's all your fault!"

(TW: SELF HARM!!!!)

Felix couldn't take it any longer and had to keep it quiet. It wasn't the first time Felix had found himself in such a situation. The first time was when he just turned 16. He had just finished his training with Master Rohan and went back to his room bleeding. The wound was large and he was filled with shame. This training was about to not get hurt and yet he got hurt several times. Of course it was normal to be punished when Felix made a mistake. For every mistake there was a blow on the back with the rod. Felix was injured seven times during training and his back was therefore now bloody. Felix already knew pain, but he hated it when others inflicted it on him. And then he saw it lying there... the knife.

Just once in his life did he want to have control over his own pain. And so Felix took off his pants and looked at his scarless thighs. They were still so untouched and didn't know what it was like to bleed. But that quickly changed that day. Felix turned 16... so there were 16 cuts... eight on each thigh. Some were deeper, some bled more than others. Despite the pain, it felt good because for the first time Felix had the weapon in his hand that was making his body suffer. For the first time, Felix had control over the pain his body was feeling. After that, Felix never made a mistake in his training again and Felix was never injured again.

Felix knew the feeling of happiness and remorse that flowed through him as he let the measuring device slide over his skin. How it pierced his skin and made the blood flow. That's exactly what he needs now. Felix was looking for an object that could help him experience this feeling again. And then he saw the broken mirror in his attached bathroom. The shards were in a triangular shape and were very reminiscent of a knife. "Perfect..." the boy whispered quietly and picked up one of the splinters. Then he went back to his room and sat down on his bed. Just remembering his 16th birthday and these wonderful feelings calmed the boy. Without thinking too much, he placed the knife-like sharf on his left forearm and cut himself.

(END OF SELF HARM)

The wound wasn't big and nowhere near as deep as the pain in his chest, but it was enough to make him lose the dark thoughts. Felix laid down on his back in his bed and closed his eyes. He could see the memories of himself and his brother before his eyes.
How they laughed for the first time... how they took their first steps... how they lost their parents... how they ended up in a home... how they were adopted by Mr. Zee... how they trained... together and how they survived...
There were always the two of them. And now not anymore. And there is only one true traitor out there... "Mr. Zee..." Felix breathed the name as he opened his eyes. The moment Felix opened his eyes you could see the darkness in his body. How it takes over his entire body and the boy is only controlled by rage and hatred.

'Embrace the beauty of pain!' those were Mr. Zee's words. Why shouldn't he even give the man a taste of his own medicine.
And so Felix lost every shred of reason. The murderous Felix has now become the revenge-loving Felix and he is a thousand times worse than the old one. Anyone who was already afraid of the old Devil should stay away from the new one.

꧁༒𝐡𝓪Ⓣ︎ᗴℝ༒꧂

What losing an important person can do to someone...

Anyways I am sorry for this bad chapter. I don't know what's currently going on. But I think my writing gets worse because I don't have much time...

Hope you still liked it!

~chichi