billie eilish mental health imagines

paralysing distress

a/n: you are billie's little sister in this and you are called maisie 🤫

i can't function, i can't move and the only company i have is my own thoughts which i've been drowning in since i last remembered how to breathe again.

it's been days since i managed to even roll over in my bed, as though rotting into the mattress might be easier than fighting my mind to move.

my hair is stuck to my head with a thick layer of grease, causing me to cringe every time it itches as i can feel it eating away at my scalp.

i can feel just how weak my body is becoming, causing my eyes to fail to stay open for more than a couple of minutes at a time.

yet, no matter how disgusting i feel, i can't help but feel far too exhausted to even function, causing me to remain horizontal as though it will solve something.

it's obvious to anyone to that something's wrong but last week i said that i wasn't feeling good and that seemed to cause everyone to stop caring.

i really can't blame them, i'd also be frustrated if every time i attempted to converse then i was met was complete silence.

mom's been attempting to rouse me, however i can't seem to force myself to interact with anyone anymore and she gave up eventually.

i'm certain that she thinks that i'm exhausted as, before i found myself paralysed by my mind, we'd had a very busy week.

however i can't help but wish that someone would notice that something's wrong because i'm certain that they could help me if they did.

billie would've...but she moved out years ago and with everything to do with her career, she rarely come over within the week.

every sunday she'd make a special effort to come over, spending hours playing games with us as a family and then having dinner together.

yet last sunday she couldn't, she had no choice but to do something else and, unfortunately, i was pleased that she hadn't.

she was the only person who knew just how badly things could get when i was at war with my mind, so i was grateful that she hadn't found me so early.

however now i wished that she had more than anything as this was no longer a passing showering of sadness, this was paralysing distress.

every single second that i spent awake was consumed but the loudness within my mind and embraced by the silence of my room.

i had been staring at the same spot on the wall for around three days now, unable to blink even when my eyes became sore.

then, when i managed to find the energy to shift slightly, i was by the harsh stinging reminder of the red lines that were etched into my forearm.

of course i used to be strategic about hiding them as i didn't want anyone to know the extent of my suffering, yet now i didn't care.

if someone saw even the smallest glimpse into my mind then i would shut down instantly but the words were flowing freely from those shallow red marks.

this time i hadn't managed to clean them, not when i found myself glued to my bed only moments after i had managed to create them.

it was as though my body was screaming for someone to notice, desperately seeking someone's kindness and support to pull me out of it this time.

although i was sure that no one was coming as, when i was high functioning, people seemed to noticed that i was okay when i was busy.

for some reason they assumed that isolation was necessary and that my business was a cry for help, yet the completely opposite was true.

you never needed to worry about me when i was filling my already overflowing schedule as i had no time to think, however when i was alone...