billie eilish mental health imagines

obsessed with numbers ⚠️

a/n: trigger warning for eating issues and hints of body checking and restriction. (someone requested this ages ago)

after a night filled with thoughts surrounding food that seemed to consume my energy, i'd woken up with little to no enthusiasm.

the idea of having to pretend that nothing was wrong and talk about myself for hours on end was far too exhausting to even think about.

so stop thinking.
there's no need to keep thinking.

every single little thing that had happened since i'd woken up this morning was so draining that it pulled me into a rut that i couldn't escape from.

no matter how many times i tried to keep myself focus on the interview, i couldn't help but be dragged back into the business in my mind.

so stop thinking.
give us some control.
you need a break and we're here to help.

i couldn't help but allow my mind to wander to the idea of having to interview billie today as, for once, i refused to talk.

the main part of my job was to talk and, unfortunately, when i found myself becoming burnt out, i turned to silence as a way to cope.

so keep quiet.
give us some control.
we can help, you know we can.

i rested my head comfortably against my hand, unable to keep it upright as the room had begun to spin around me.

"are you okay lo?" my manager questioned, clearly a little concerned.

it was no secret to anyone that i'd struggled with my eating previously but, for the longest time, i'd managed to hide the relapse that was forming.

so, deciding that it would be better for me to remain silent about my recent habits, i replied to her question with a small nod.

good.
you can't let anyone know what's happening.
it's so embarrassing that you'd even think that this is normal.

i couldn't help but become withdrawn from the conversation as, no matter how i tried to ignore the volume in my head, i became distracted by it.

"logan?" she questioned, her tone suddenly appearing firm.

my eyelids blinked slowly, almost as though i was in some sort of simulation and i couldn't help but reset the glaze that sat on my eyes.

"sorry." i mumbled, joining back in.

she shook her head, almost denying that i should apologise for the way that i was acting.

however, no matter what anyone else thought, it was the voices approval that i was searching for as i was determined not to upset them.

good.
it's not a good idea to.

"look lo, do you really think that you should be doing this interview today?" she asked.

i nodded, instantly perking up as i knew that there was no way that i could miss this opportunity, especially not because of who it was.

"it's the billie eilish, i can't miss this." i told her firmly. "you know how much she means to me."

there was no denying that i'd looked up to billie from such a young age that she'd become almost a role model for me.

to the point where i couldn't help but feel like i was letting her down in some way.

aren't you worried that you won't be enough for her?
that she'll judge you for being different?