billie eilish mental health imagines

burdened...or the burden?

today started as many do, with me awaking in a panic due to my past haunting my only peaceful moment of the day.

sleeping was a state that was becoming less safe for my body to be in as my mind could easily attack without me having the opportunity to line up a defence.

that was a scary establishment as, unlike many things, sleep had become one of the only times of day where i was allowed to be vulnerable.

i'd stopped showing emotions when i was awake, taking onboard a more dull approach to avoid anyone asking questions.

my parents never seemed to notice as they were so engrossed with my sibling's problems that, as long as i was quiet, they never saw my presence.

however that cost came heavily to me, i lost out on the relationship that i wanted with my mother due to her severe lack of ability to carry more burdens.

so, finding comfort in my elderly father, i spent most of my time sitting in his room, watching his favourite shows as though they meant something to me.

i knew that one day all i would have was memories of these times yet, in the moment, i never searched for a deeper connection with him.

his anger had always been his worse trait, finding him sitting in a pile of complaints due to the threatening behaviour that he'd often show.

it concerned me at times as i knew the real him, the part of him that held me when i was sad or comforted me when i was upset.

however my memories of him were soon becoming clouded by this new version - one that continued to cause havoc without me asking.

that took my sole attention for a while, causing me to become proactive as though i might be able to help him if i understood him better.

his childhood wasn't the greatest, beatings were a very common punishment and his father had never been around.

yet i knew that there was a deeper meaning to his actions, maybe even the level of power that it gave him or the thrill that arguing brought.

i could never be certain as to what the cause was, although i was pretty sure that his past had played a huge part in shaping him.

my mom's past was similar, however she grew up with two successful parents who had a huge amount of time for her due to there being no siblings.

that created more problems for me though as, although she claimed be an expert at reading her children, she never knew how to help me.

every problem that i had was brushed off with the comment 'everyone has that' or 'you're not the only one' as though that might make me feel better.

emotions were often heightened in every situation, yet there was no room for them without an added comment about not caring for her.

it wasn't her fault, she hadn't been able to express her feelings growing up and therefore she found it difficult when anyone else did.

yet that still all somehow linked back to me. i played a part in everything, whether i liked it or not.

that was the heaviest burden for me to carry as i couldn't escape it, everything was my fault whether i was truthfully to blame or not.

my brain took ahold of that often, making my thought process as negative as it possibly could as a way of attacking me for gaining that role.

i knew that no one meant to blame me, even if things were incredibly heavy and i felt as though i deserved the blame in some way.

the blame wasn't something that i cared about really, although it continued to build behind the scenes until it became suffocating.