billie eilish mental health imagines

ready to fly ⚠️

a/n: logan's billie's little sister in this by the way!

it couldn't have been late, we'd probably only reached the early hours of the morning when i found myself blankly staring out of the window.

i'd been trying to sleep for maybe four hours before i eventually gave up and allowed my body to resume its usual task.

for some reason i found comfort in sitting in the window seat and facing the darkness that waited for me outside.

don't you wish you could be a part of that?
don't you want to rest in that darkness?
wouldn't you like to be alone?

today had been one of those days that was far too heavy to process and, the longer that the weight sat on my shoulders, the worse that sensation became.

it wasn't often that i allowed myself to remain in silence as, usually, i'd be more than willing to be honest about how i was feeling.

however, when i tried my best to explain this emptiness inside me, i froze.

don't you wonder why?
domt you want to know why you can't speak?
why you're not allowed to be honest?

i couldn't help but wonder about the reasoning behind as, although i probably should've been frustrate by that fact, i was surprisingly grateful.

by being unable to be honest with anyone about how i was feeling, i didn't have to listen to anyone's worried comments or sudden questions.

isn't it nice to be alone for once?
for someone not to be worried about you?

it was no lie that i was enjoying the stillness that had seemed to enter my mind as, whenever i wanted the silence, it never wanted to appear.

so?
what's the problem?

i rested my head comfortably against the wall behind me, unable to shake the feeling that something much darker was happening.

it wouldn't be a surprise to me if the voices were plotting something, especially with the way that they were taking control of everything.

taking control?
this is nothing.
if you want us to have control then so be it.

"no, please stop." i mumbled fearfully.

of course they wouldn't stop, their tact only worsening with a sudden increase in abusive comments that they made towards me.

you're an awful friend.
a disgusting human being.
an horrific daughter.
you've failed.
failed at everything.

i felt my hand dart towards my wrist, desperate to scratch the dull aching that had taken over the lower half of my arm.

at first it was a slight rubbing motion that occurred, quickly followed by a rapid scratching movement that was much harsher than before.

then, almost as quickly as it had started, it stopped.

doesn't that feel good?
don't you wish you could take it away for good?

i pulled my hoodie sleeves down over my hands as i held onto the cuffs with my fingers.

it wasn't often that i found the urge to hurt myself and i certainly hadn't turned to it many times, however i couldn't seem to stop this time.

my fingers automatically took to my wrist, desperate to break the skin and feeling the burning sensation that would soon replace that light relief.

come on.
you know you want more.
you need it, don't you?