billie eilish mental health imagines

racing thoughts ⚠️

a/n: huge trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and attempts!!

my thoughts were racing with each and every way that i was going to do, knowing that it would be me who would end my life.

it wasn't something that i thought about often, no more than anyone else thought about what they would eat in a day.

however there were times where the thought consumed me, where i'd sit with a fist full of pills and wonder what would happen if i took them.

often then i'd be reminded of my friends, specifically my bestfriend and my family, people who'd given everything to keep my happy yet they'd failed.

it wasn't their fault that my mind was such a dark place no more than it was mine, however i couldn't help but force the blame onto them.

they'd been there through everything, seen me at my worst and held my whilst i barely made it through the day, yet i didn't feel close to them.

i often felt as though i was an outsider looking in on what my life could be like if i allowed myself to relax, a dream that could never be reality.

that's when the urges got really bad, when my mind was at it's weakest and i felt detached from the world, the voices would attack.

you're not good enough.
no one cares about you.
no one would miss you.
just do it.
what's stopping you?

the final question weighed heavily on my mind as, although i could list a million reason why i should stay, none of them were stopping me from doing it.

maybe my worries played on my mind before i committed to the silence, yet they would never be a reason for me to give up the peace.

so do it.
just do it already.
you need to leave.
no one wants you around anymore.

the voices weren't wrong, they rarely were, no one made me feel as though i was wanted or that they truly cared for me.

no one apart from my bestfriend, she'd shown me that life was worth living, that a bad start doesn't have to limit you future.

she was the one person who stopped me from placing those pills in my mouth.

but she doesn't really care, does she?
she's left you just like everyone else.

the voices' shouts were illogical as billie and i had only had a small argument that could easily have been solved by talking.

yet what no one else understood was that that one small disagreement had spark a spiralling thought process in my mind, one that only had one end.

being dead was the only way out.

go on then.
show us that you're not scared.
do it.
nothing's stopping you.

my eyes flickered over to where the shoebox lay, the array of different pills staring back at me as they sat snugly inside it.

i couldn't help but wonder what might happen if i did take them, whether they would end up finishing the job or only making matters worse.

yet none of that truly matter when the voices were involved, they knew what they wanted and they wouldn't stop until they got it.

at least you understand that.
just take the pills.
no one will miss you.

my hand outstretched towards them, desperately seeking the comfort and power that they brought.

however, just as i was about to pick them up, the sound of my phone pinging was enough to snap me from the trance.