billie eilish mental health imagines

safely insecure

feeling empty wasn't something that i was used to anymore, not after spending a full two weeks in a new mindset that had carried me through.

it was no longer exhausting to think about the future or scary to allow someone to get close with me for long enough that they knew the real me.

however i should've known that being happy would never last, it never did when my brain was subtly controlling my every move.

i went from denying the occasional compliment to pulling back hard to see whether they'd come chasing after me as though we were playing a game.

of course i'd tried my best to hide what i was doing, wanting nothing more than to maintain the safety and stability that we'd created.

yet feeling loved was such an alien thought to me and, although i craved it more than anything, being wanted for me was terrifying.

someone had to get to know me to want me, they'd have no choice but to find out the ugly parts along with the good which hurt more than it should.

my past could no longer remain a secret if i wanted to be understood, however if i shared too much then it could destroy all the good.

speaking was like walking on a tightrope and never knowing when you might fall off, only bringing comfort to yourself in the form of a silent nod.

it was a feeling that was so oddly familiar that i found myself waking before my alarms had even alerted me to my slumber.

often i'd notice that i was on edge but not because i was anxious, more so due to the uncertainty of allowing someone to get so close.

the risk was great yet potentially life changing and, although it scared me greatly, it was healing my inner child at the same time.

every laugh no longer felt weighed down, every breath was no longer heavy, i was finally free from the silence that had consumed me.

yet that silence still hung around in the background, threatening to make an appearance at the slightest change in tone or conversation.

it clouded every good moment, never allowing me to forget that it existed even when i found my walls coming crashing down.

that's what scared me the most as it never allows me to become comfortable for long enough that i forget how everyone else treated me.

infact it reminds me of that constantly, as though they might be the same as everyone else when it's clear that they're not.

yet i should've known that trusting it wasn't the worst idea as, after only a short couple of weeks, i found myself slipping up slowly.

each small mistake turned into my thoughts spiralling and that soon turned into full blown breakdowns over nothing.

that's how i knew that i was scared of losing them as i'd do anything to protect them from that side of me out of fear that their love would disappear.

of course they'd reassure me that they'd be there through the worst and that my safety was their number one priority, but that didn't reassure me.

i personally found it reassuring, however my brain somehow managed to use that as leverage and convince me that i wasn't authentic.

that by showing every raw part of myself then i was driving them away and handing over bundles of reasons for them to leave.

a part of me truly believed that as i was certain that my problems would be too much for them, yet every day i was reminded that that was not the case.