billie eilish mental health imagines

controlled by a hellish brain

a/n: you are billie's little sister in this

no one understands what it's like to be the loud girl, the girl who constantly interrupts without realising and can't possibly rest unless she's completed a task.

sometimes i find myself able to do everything to the highest standard and never miss a deadline, leaving me feeling like i might actually be good enough.

then i could spend hours and hours stuck in an endless thought process, remaining horizontally paralysed as my brain screams at me to stop being lazy.

of course i could never recall what i was supposed to be doing or how i was supposed to be functioning, so i allowed it consume me until i couldn't breathe.

every emotion would be heightened to the point where i was suffocating, hitting peaks of happiness just to succumb to the comfort of emptiness.

it was at times like that where i struggled to cope, uncertain of which emotions were truly mine to keep and which i had no justified reason to experience.

those were the worst days, the ones where even lifting my foot seemed like too much effort and yet my brain claimed that it was just a result of being lazy.

i know that i should be able to get up like anyone else, function like a human being and manage to keep ontop of friendships too, but i simply can't.

knowing that you should and being able to get to the stage where you can is like pushing the two positives of a pair of magnets together and forcing them to attract.

keeping busy by finding dopamine hooks is the only way to not completely succumb to the horizontal paralysis, yet having no time to myself is a recipe for disaster.

of course it should be easy to identify the warning signs and simply avoid them, however my brain knows what it wants and i have to conform.

i often find myself stuck in an endless loop, knowing that if i slightly fall from my routine then i become classed as a failure and unable to justify how i got into that position.

the days where productivity is the heart of my goals, i find myself neglecting my own needs and then having no energy to focus on them at the end of the day.

it's exhausting to either be suffocating with my internal monologue or be feeling like i could become the most successful business woman on the planet.

my work will always be done as it's scheduled and i could never miss a deadline, earning a handful of praise from those around me.

yet the pile of clothes on the floor screams at me as i'm constantly told to stop being messy, as though they'd understood the amount of effort that that takes.

to them it's just the one step, picking them up from the floor and putting them away in my closet. which sounds like it should be pretty easy...

to me it's a multiple step process, twelve different distractions, doing a task i forgot about previously in the day and then eventually forgetting what i was supposed to be doing.

of course i want nothing more than to function like a normal human being and not beat myself up for failing to achieve that simple task, but it's not that easy.

today is one of the days where my mind is consuming me with constant jumping thoughts that have no actual meaning behind them.

i find myself lost staring at the blank wall, hoping that the dullness will be enough to silence my brain even for a couple of seconds.

although i'm aware that i will never truly escape from my thoughts, they will always haunt me no matter how loud the world around me is.

then, just as i find myself heading into a deep thought process that might actually have an end, i hear the unmistakable sound of my door opening.

my family had learnt not to knock, knowing that i wouldn't respond to it even if they attempted to make me aware of their presence.

"hey, are you awake?" my older sister questioned.

billie's tone was always softer than most, as though she knew that i was already fighting too much noise to want another interruption.

this time it was a little calmer though, almost as if she'd anticipated my lack of response before she'd even tried to make contact with me.

i only realised how bad it was when i couldn't even muster up enough energy to grunt or hum in response to her question.

to me the lack of communication was a sign that my brain was overwhelmed as it attempted to shut off in the only way that it knew how, silence.

billie knew not to take it to heart, however i couldn't help but feel guilty for not being able to be the bubbly girl that she knew so well.

usually i'd manage to at least mask how i was feeling, pretending that i wasn't become burnt out until i physically couldn't move anymore.

this time i just couldn't. this time i struggled to even keep my eyes open for long enough to hear billie's footsteps heading towards my bed.

there was no denying that sleep was already beginning to catch up with me as i'd spent many of the recent nights sleepless with productivity.

yet as those around me worried about my health, i couldn't help but find myself feeling like a failure for allowing my mask to slip even slightly.

i'd tried my best to hide this side of me from everyone for so long that i now found it impossible to muster up enough energy to do that.

"i don't expect answers, just know that i'm right here. whenever you're ready, i'll follow your lead." billie spoke softly.

her words were extremely simple and handed over to me with such delicacy, as though she knew that they might shatter once they reached my ears.

that was why i found comfort in billie even when i wanted to hide away from the rest of the world, she never pressured me to give more than i could.

although i couldn't help but feel guilty for not being able to give her my all, especially when i wanted nothing more than be me once again.

i was aware that once this brief period of rest was over then i'd go back to pretending that my mind wasn't suffocating to live with which scared me.

however, even if it was for just a little while, the forced relaxation felt necessary in some way, even if it was intruded on by my never ending thoughts.

i just had to hope that no one saw me as the failure that i knew that i was.

the girl whose brain made it so easy to achieve anything if dopamine was involved, yet impossible to rest until it was forced and, even then, it wasn't even true peace.

the brain which controlled every single aspect of her life, even the ones best left free flowing.

______
a/n:

i'm so unsure as to whether this will make any sense to anyone but those of you who do understand, i see you.

i know this is incredibly short but i'm more than happy to do a part two if anyone wants one!!

i'm sorry for the radio silence but life has been hectic to say the least, however i'm hoping to update more (if anyone has any suggestions then please let me know!!)

i love you all