Soulless

Thirty Three | We'll have to spar

Atlas Thayer

I couldn't stop staring at her as she slept. I knew she was nervous the past few times, she'd woken up from nightmares. Ones of me hurting her, hurting our child that night.

I just wanted to protect her, take her away from there. It was shocking, and I shouldn't have shut her out, god I wished I didn't. I wish I held her, talked it out with her. Instead I treated her like anybody else, shutting her out and not talking when things get tough. But Lunden's different, she's not anybody else, she's my life.

I thought I'd lost her forever and when I found the planned parenthood documents. I thought I knew, I respected her decision, because it doesn't matter what I think. It's her choice and her body at the end of the day. I wouldn't ever voice my opinion on that, it wouldn't be right.

But I'm happy, I knew she was terrified. I was scared, but I knew I wanted this, I wanted her. I want my child to have the love I once did, before I lost it all. Nothing is ever promised to stay, I didn't want children because of that. Because I didn't want them to bear the pain of losing us.

But I'd rather love than not love at all. I'd rather experience it than rob myself of what could be. With Lunden, that was something I never thought she'd be on board with. I knew she didn't want children. Her parents were nothing but mere disappointments in her life. She respected her mother and loved her, but she didn't like her.

I never even met her parents formally, I knew it was to protect her peace. Keep me from that uglier side of her life, I understood. But I knew she felt guilty cutting them out because of my family, but it was different. It was all different and understandable. Just because my parents aren't here anymore and I don't have any family but her. Doesn't mean that she needs to suck it up and see her family because they are still here.

I know how they treated her, no matter how much she likes to cover it up or disclose. Maybe I was her stalker, but only after she left me. I saw the call logs from her childhood, the dials of 911 from her four year old self. She could hide all she wanted, but I'll never force her to please people who never felt safe to her.

Slowly rolling off the bed I walk over to the blinds. I opened them slightly so the light of the sun wouldn't wake her. The view of the mountains were beautiful, Verena did a good job securing her here. She was brought to a home rather than some secluded isolating safe house that kept her from living.

She had to build a life here, and I'd build it with her. I'd do anything with her, I just wanted to protect her and keep her safe. I was ignorant and blind and I blame myself though she doesn't want me to. But I know I went about it wrong, I didn't communicate I jumped forward in fear without giving her, of all people, the heads up.

She was allergic to the sedative, it didn't knock her out. It woke her right up instead, which was maybe a sign. She had all rights to leave me in that moment, but I wanted to take her away from it all. My plan was to send in the shots of her 'dead' and leave my position due to feeling unfit for the job as I grieved. Which I did, but I didn't get her.

I didn't consult her, and I missed the early stages of her pregnancy. I risked both of their lives instead of being there for her. I wasn't scared of her, who she is, because I know who she is. She's Lunden and her job as a killer, that's Lunden. I understood it now because I know her and she does it for the good of the people.

To fix our mistakes and missteps. I was so caught up in finding the villain in her, I didn't realize I dehumanized her as a whole. Because I swore she was the one who killed my parents. But in the end I was spiteful to her because of another persons crimes. I failed at my job to see who she was, and she told me herself in class.