Soulless

Fourty Four | scariest moment of life

Lunden Evergreen

I'd been still dealing with the tough waves of grief, I blamed myself. But I'd been in therapy learning that spending my life brutalizing myself over it wouldn't do anything. It wouldn't bring her back. But I try to think she's in a better place now.

Seeing my mother and Eleanor again had helped. I wondered about Aunt Kelly and my cousins. How unfair it was to keep them from my existence. But I knew someday I'd be able to fully reconnect, I just needed to remain hidden. If not for me, for the protection of my child.

Atlas started teaching at a local college, he'd been busy today with his classes beginning. Josie was back in school and I'd began taking online courses to finish my degree.

It happened so quickly, just sitting in the breakfast nook. I was reading quietly and minding my business. Today was my downtime day where I was free to relax. I had slight cramps but it didn't feel like contractions earlier today.

But as I turned the page on my Agatha Christie novel, I didn't expect for my water to break. It's not like the movies, not the dramatic gross splash they make it out to be. I didn't even realize it until I looked down and the contractions started to come in.

Pepper stared at me as I struggled up from my seat and called Atlas. He failed to answer the phone, which didn't help my nerves. So instead of fully panicking, I moved to grabbing my keys. This baby wouldn't wait for anyone and I'd rather not give birth in my kitchen.

The car ride to the hospital was swift and thankfully the roads weren't busy. But as I made it outside of paternity, I had no idea what was going to happen.

I tried Atlas again and was granted with no luck. And as I'm wheeled out on a wheelchair into the paternity ward, I began to panic.

"My husband isn't answering my phone," He wasn't my husband. But for some reason I felt like that sounded more urgent than boyfriend.

"We'll try calling him as you get settled in," my anxiety now was getting the best of me. Not only because Atlas wasn't answering but because I was about to push a whole baby out of me. I was going to be a Mom.

Holy shit.

How did my mother do this at nineteen years old. When I was nineteen I was binge watching criminal minds with a pack of sour straws in bed most nights. Two dollars in my bank account and struggling through freshman year of college.

But she was on a bed, pushing me out of her hooha. You know what, I'd probably hate me after that as well. But now laying on this bed staring at the tiled ceiling I wished I was back with those sour straws.

"The baby is looking great, vitals and heart beat are very strong and measures perfectly. Also right in position," She sounds so chipper, but I feel more scared. I swear to god if I give birth alone, I might just kill him.

Not literally.

The striking pain in my stomach begins to get worse after a few moments. Dr.Wrenn enters the room in her sweats and is given a gown.

"Did I interrupt your day?" I joke.

"I was just watching some Bridgerton, I'll get back to it later. I think you having a baby is more important," She teased and then moved to the end of the bed to examine me.