Soulless

Thirty Six | A grieved birthday

Atlas Thayer

Waking up to being twenty eight was interesting. Reflecting back on my life in years usually was hard on this day. That's why I kept it to myself and Lunden didn't know.

I hated my birthday, spending it alone. Cade tried to do something and Brimmy always brought over a cake. But I wouldn't eat a slice and it always ended up wasted in a trash can.

It was never fun to remember you're truly a year closer to your death. A year closer to outliving my own parents and spending the day without them. But it felt better this year because I was with her.

Waking up to her nuzzled in my arms, clutching her little belly. Feeling the kicks of our future. I was never a baby guy, I didn't mind kids. I just knew I wasn't set on having them, until Lunden. Until I found the love of my life.

I knew she'd make a big deal out of today. But I wanted it to be like any other day, because it would never feel like it used to.

Her little hand clutched mine slightly and as she turned to see me staring and she did the same thing as always. Rolling her eyes at me gaining her a kiss on her cheek.

"Big day today" She mused.

"Oh yeah?" She couldn't have known, she'd asked before but I drew her off topic. I'd buried my birthday with my parents years ago.

"First day of summer, June 20th. It's sunny and gorgeous out, I'm going to lay and read a depressing book out in the sun. While you go and pretend like you aren't still secretly working on a case" She'd known for weeks I'd still been diving into my parents murder but hadn't outright said it.

"We're great at communicating" She scoffs slightly but a smile only grows on her face.

"Can you make me chocolate chip pancakes? That's good communication right... it's what the baby wants" She was 19 weeks as of yesterday and been more vocal about what the baby wants. I found it hilarious but yet adorable.

"Syrup on the side to dip?" Laughing softly that I've caught onto her habit, she nods.

Our life in Vermont was different, but a good different. I knew she missed her friends, guilt that everyone finding out she'd died. A closed casket funeral, with nobody inside. Though we had each other I feared of her being lonely here at points.

"Could you add sweet cherries on top, the artificial ones... not real ones" At eight in the morning, that sounded quite disgusting. But for her I'd appease and I headed downstairs.

This place had felt more of a home recently. But I knew home wasn't a place, home was Lunden and Pepper. Who was now tugging at the bottom of my sweatpants signaling she wanted to be let out. So walking over to the back door I free her to go do her business as I turned back to the kitchen.

Whisking the batter together I watched as she entered the kitchen leaning against the wall. Her eyes remained staring at me no words.

I loved the way she looked, absolutely perfect in her pajamas. The white shirt and short bottoms with tiny red hearts where her little bump popped out. She'd finally allowed me to get her some clothes, I knew her body changing had been an overwhelming feeling. But I couldn't get why, she just looked so effortlessly perfect.