Hempsun Notebook ~ Paikka Kirjoituksille

29. You can let go

TW! Kuolema

I was dying
everyone knew that
my parents
siblings
relatives
probably even our dog knew
that Camille was going to drop dead 

Every night
when my mom left the hospital
to sleep at home
she leaned over me 
and whispered to my ear

"You don't have to hold on
you don't have to fight anymore
you can let go."

Every night
she said that it was okay for them
if I just stopped fighting
but I knew the truth

They were still holding on to me
while I was far away
somewhere between sleep and the welcoming arms 
of death

I was ready to go
my days and nights were 
full of pain
I couldn't escape it
the pills I took only
made my mind foggy

Doctors and nurses 
gave me pitying glances
they knew that the 
hospital bed was going to be
my last destination

One day
my mom got into an accident 
when she tried to get to the hospital
I was crying
my eyes out

"She needs immediate surgery",

said one of the doctors
I begged them to save my mom
because that would save
my whole family

"She needs a heart transplant", 

the same doctor said 
and stroked my hair
like it would have helped 
the situation

Next night
I was awake
trying not to scream
pain was crushing me 
my heart felt like it was being
pierced through with a fork

My heart?

I was my mom's daughter

If I didn't have the same heart, 

who would have one?

And at that moment
I became my mom's savior
because I let go
and drifted away
from the world
to help my mom